The Hellsing 'Institution'
by Revan's split personality
Summary: Institution is right...as in they should all be institutionalized. Finally updated! W00T! Integra has finally had enough of Alucard's attitude and decides to do something about it! But will Walter pay the price? Or, more specifically, Walter's Xbox?
1. Mozzarella WalMart Incident

The Hellsing 'Institution'

Institution is right... as in they should all be institutionalized. Anyhow, insert standard (albeit useless) disclaimer, and here we GOOO!

* * *

Integra sat hunched over her desk, her elbows resting on the polished surface. She was reading one of the many pieces of paper spread out before her. She frowned slightly before grabbing a cigar and lighting it. With a small sigh, she removed her glasses and massaged the bridge of her nose.

"I _despise_ paperwork." She puffed on her cigar and watched as the smoke swirled its way to the ceiling. A soft knock was heard at the door. "Enter."

Walter opened the door and walked into the dark room. Only a small desk lamp was on, and the curtains had been drawn so not even the moonlight could offer extra illumination. He stopped in front of the desk and gave a little bow. "How's the paper work coming, Sir Integra?"

Integra huffed angrily and snatched one of the papers up, sneering. "I just don't understand!"

"Ah. May I?" Walter took the paper from Integra and adjusted his monocle. He 'hmm'd and 'haw'd for a minute before nodding. " I believe that would be the actor 'Johnny Depp', sir." He handed the paper back to Integra, who seemed dumbstruck.

"Huh." She took one more puff before putting out her cigar, which was still almost new. "I didn't know he was in 'Willy Wonka.'" She pulled out another cigar, and Walter lit it, eyeing the one in the already half-full ashtray with chagrin. He had just emptied it only half an hour ago.

"It is getting rather late, m'lady."

"Yes, I know." Integra waved her hand flippantly. "But with all this paper work-"

"I'm sure your crosswords can wait until tomorrow." Walter said with a slight smile. Integra never liked to go to bed without finishing her crossword puzzles. It had been like that for years. "Perhaps you'd like some chamomile tea to help smooth your frazzled nerves?"

Integra ran a hand through her hair. "No thank you. I'll be fine with opium." Walter blinked. "I'm joking, Walter."

"Heh. Right. Of course." Walter gave her a sideways glare of suspicion. _Is that why she always seems so calm?_ He checked his pocket watch. "Miss Victoria and Master Alucard should be up shortly, so if you'll excuse me-"

Integra nodded, causing the lamplight to glare of her glasses and obscure her eyes. Walter cringed as the light reflected directly into his eyes, temporarily blinding him. Nothing he wasn't used to, though. It seemed to be a common occurrence, actually. With another small bow, he took his leave, blinking rapidly in an attempt to restore his vision. By some miracle, he managed to make it out of the door and down the hallway without a major accident. Integra picked up her pen and went back to her crossword.

"Fourteen across…Johnny Depp." She penned in the name, then sat back in satisfaction and puffed her cigar contently. "I knew that."

* * *

About, oh, forty meters underground, Seras Victoria was snoring away happily, drooling with content. She was having the most wonderful dream

"Here's a chocolate cake for you! Because we're _such_ good friends!" Integra smiled cheerily from underneath a wide-brimmed straw sunhat. She was wearing a pink flowery dress and carrying a small Chihuahua in a pink Prada purse. Like Paris Hilton or something. Seras smiled, squealing in delight.

"Just what I wanted!!" She graciously accepted the cake from Integra, who disappeared as soon as the cake left her grasp. Seras sat down at a random palapa on an equally random, sunny beach, and began to eat her cake. Suddenly, the spirit of Harkkonen appeared, fluttering and squiggly as always. Seras scowled.

"What do _you_ want?"

"Shouldn't you _shaaaaare?_" Harkonnen drawled creepily.

Seras glared. "No." With that, she pulled out a Desert Eagle and shot Harkonnen in the forehead, then went back to her delicious cake. She was happily munching when a shadow fell upon her.

"You know you can't eat cake, Police Girl." She turned to find Alucard standing behind her, looking none too happy. She dropped her cake and stood up.

"M-master! What are you doing here??"

Alucard looked around nonchalantly, poking at Harkonnen's corpse with his foot. " So _this_ is what you dream of, hm?" Seras blushed slightly. "Sitting on a sunny beach and eating chocolate cake." He stared at her. "_Pathetic_."

"Bwuh…I-" Seras watched with wide eyes as Alucard drew Jackal and pointed it at her forehead. A sadistic smile spread across his lips.

"Wakey wakey, Police Girl."

* * *

Walter jumped as he heard a loud 'thunk' come from Seras' coffin, followed by a pained groan. He chuckled inwardly as he set the packet of blood on the table. Sure, she never drank them, but she would _eventually_. Uh, right?

Seras shoved the lid of her plywood coffin to the side and sat up, rubbing her forehead ruefully and mumbling darkly.

"Good evening, Miss Victoria." Walter smiled. Seras twitched a little at his voice, then smiled, slightly embarrassed.

"Good evening, Walter. Still haven't gotten used to this yet." She knocked on the cheap-ass coffin and laughed nervously. Walter nodded in response.

"I suppose it would take a while." He chuckled a bit, then left, leaving Seras by herself. She sighed and slumped over, her left eye twitching.

"Why'd you have to ruin such a good dream, Master?" She whined quietly to herself before getting up and going through her evening routine. She brushed her teeth- dental hygiene is VERY important for vampires, as you could probably imagine- and changed into her uniform.

"Why do these things have to be so damn _slutty_?" She frowned as she tugged the material here and there until it fit right. "You'd think they'd at least let me wear _pants_." Realizing the situation was out of her hands, she sighed and walked out, ready to be told what to expect that night.

* * *

Alucard was already up when Walter entered his chambers. Because we all know he's too cool to have a simple 'room'. 'Chambers' are _so_ much cooler. The two nodded in salutation, and Walter tossed Alucard a packet of blood before leaving. Alucard, slouching in his chair, was feeling too lazy to drink, so he just ripped open the packet and dumped the blood on himself, which he then absorbed through blood osmosis or some such process. Feeling refreshed, his trademark crooked grin was on his face once again as he melted into the shadows. Shadow travel was his preferred method of transportation. He owned shares. Hell, he just p0wned.

* * *

Integra had drawn open the curtains and was standing at the large window, surveying the landscape under the silver moonlight. Amazingly, she hadn't lit up another cigar yet and was still working on the one Walter had lit. She inhaled deeply. GAWD she loved smoking! Smoking and being Protestant. Life didn't get any better than that. Her desk had been cleaned of crossword puzzles, and instead there was a small manila folder in the center of it.

"There's a job for you two."

Alucard appeared from the shadows and smiled. Integra continued without turning.

" In the mediocre town of Mozzarella, there is a Wal-Mart that has been infested with cheap ghouls."

Seras burst through the doors- literally, _through_ the doors-, apparently forgetting about the whole 'super-strength' bonus that vampires got. "Oops." She said meekly, blushing at her blunder. "Sorry about that. What did I miss?"

Integra slapped her forehead and muttered something about 'retards' under her breath. "You have to go to the town of Mozzarella-"

She was interrupted by Seras' loud guffaws. Integra wasn't impressed.

"What's so funny, Police Girl?" Integra snapped, contempt evident in her voice. Seras snickered.

"Cheddar, Mozzarella…what's next, Goudaville?"

Integra blinked. "There haven't been any reports of vampire or ghoul activity in Goudaville as of yet." Integra deadpanned. Seras instantly stopped laughing.

"You mean to tell me that there _is_ a place called 'Goudaville'?" Integra rolled her eyes and nodded. Seras burst out laughing again. Integra and Alucard both stared at her like she had just sprouted a lizard head and was busy chewing on pre-thawed rodents. After a few minutes of patient waiting on Integra's part (Alucard had simply left via the wall), Seras settled down, tears still streaming down her face. However, she wasn't still doubled-over with laughter, and she could get a sentence out without erupting into a fit of giggles. Integra sighed as she put out her cigar in the ashtray.

"I _hope_ you're finished." She stated dryly. "Because the next time this happens, you're eating nothing but garlic for a month." Seras wouldn't have like that, vampire or otherwise. Satisfied that her threat had worked, Integra continued just as Alucard randomly floated up through the floor _and _Integra's desk, leaving a thin film of green ectoplasm on the shiny surface. Ew.

"_As I was saying_," she threw an accusing glare at Seras, who flinched in response. " the Wal-Mart in Mozzarella has been overrun with ghouls. As far as we can tell, there's only one vampire, so it should be a relatively easy job."

Seras' shoulders sagged. " Wal-Mart? Why couldn't ghouls infest some place cool, like a Bootlegger or Hot Topic."

Integra gave Seras an odd look. "Normally you don't hear 'Bootlegger' and 'Hot Topic' in the same sentence."

Seras huffed with indignation. "I'm a complicated individual."

Alucard snickered. "You're about as complicated as any Brittney Spears song." Seras gave him a death glare.

"Even I'M not _that_ simple." She crossed her arms and scowled. "Let's just go to Havarti."

"Mozzarella." Integra corrected, lighting up another cigar. "_Damn_ I love to smoke."

"Let's go, Police Girl." Alucard ushered his fledgling out of the room. "Before my master goes into another one of her odes to smoking."

"Gah." Seras frowned. "How could anyone like smoking _so damn much!?_"

Back in her office, Integra had already gone off into a monologue. Poor Walter, who had just shown up to see if she had changed her mind about the tea, was forced to stay and listen as Integra prattled on about the miraculous wonder of the world called tobacco. He sat down heavily in the chair opposite Integra and slouched deeply, staring up at the ceiling. Last time he was in that situation, he counted three hundred seventy-five tiles on the roof. He was determined to see if his last count was indeed correct.

* * *

Seras climbed out of the armoured humvee she had gotten a ride in and stared at awe at the huge Wal-Mart.

"Whoah…I've never seen a Wal-Mart so _huge_." Indeed, it had four levels, three swimming pools, a petting zoo and an apartment complex. She turned back to the dude that had given her a ride. "Thanks for the lift! I thought nobody was going to pick me up with that ridiculous sign!" The owner of the vehicle passed her her cardboard sign that said 'Mozzarella or Bust!" and smiled.

"Hey chicky, mind if I get your number?" He drawled, a perverted gleam in his eyes. Seras laughed uncomfortably.

"I don't have a phone. Sorry."

The man glared at her, hurt. "If you didn't want to give me your number, all you had to say was 'no'." With a racking sob, he slammed the passenger door shut and drove away. Seras stared after the tail lights, dumbfounded.

"…huh." She shrugged before walking off towards the building, Harkonnen slung over her shoulder. "Good thing he didn't ask too many questions and had a lot of interior space. Although I'm still not sure what he meant when he asked if I liked 'S&M'." Seras shook her head slightly.

"My god, you _are_ stupid, aren't you?"

Seras spun around to see Alucard shaking his head in disappointment.

"Master! You know what it means?"

"Of _course_ I know what it means." He rolled his eyes.

A sparkle could be seen in Seras' eyes. "Then you'll tell me what it means?"

"No." The sparkle was gone. "Now come on. We have a job to do." He grinned sadistically. "Time to p0wn some zombie ass." He pulled Jackal and Casull out from under his trench coat and laughed maniacally. Seras blinked a couple of times before proceeding to the Wal-Mart, seriously questioning the sanity of her master.

The automatic doors slid open with a dull 'bing'. Seras gasped in horror at the sight that met her. Ghouls were _everywhere_, pushing dark blue shopping carts full of competitively priced items! And random body parts! OMG!!1! The ghoul greeter ambled up to her and smacked a flyer in her face while simultaneously trying to bite her arm off. She screamed and punched him/it in the face, causing it to reel back and groan piteously.

_**GodDAMN Police Girl! How many times do I have to tell you that you need to shoot them in the HEART! DAMNIT!**_

"Can't we all just get along?" Seras whimpered, using the Harkonnen as a baseball bat of sorts to whack the ghouls away from her.

_**Ugh…don't use it to hit them, use it to SHOOT them! That's what it was MADE for!**_

She cringed at her master's harsh reproach. "Y-yes, Master." She loaded a shell, then aimed down one of the checkout isles which was, amazingly enough, still full of people waiting in line. She squeezed her eyes shut as she pulled the trigger. The sound of the shot was followed by wet, slapping, flesh-exploding noises and screams of abject terror.

"Oh my GOD! GERALD!!"

"Mommy! I can't see! There's blood in my eyes!"

"MY LEGS ARE GONE!! AUUUGH!"

Alucard stepped up behind Seras and sighed. "You're supposed to be killing the _ghouls_, Police Girl, not the _survivors_."

Seras' eye twitched. "Heh heh…oops?"

Alucard simply shrugged. "It's my master who has to do the paper work." With that, he raised the Casull and shot 'Gerald" right between the eyes. "Hah." He then resumed his ghoul p0wning, leaving Seras to twitch and spasm in horror.

"Maybe you should check out the petting zoo. Make sure the bunnies are still soft." Alucard offered, fearing the ramifications Seras' mistake could have on her already fragile psyche. She nodded absently before walking off, shooting whatever ghouls got in her path. Alucard sighed. "She better get it soon, or I'm going to lose it." With a sigh, he returned his attention to the now clear gaming section. "OOH! They have Gears of War set up!" He looked around shiftily before running over to the controller. "Sweet…Dom you bastard! Get behind that piece of rubble! No! Don't run towards the emergence hole with reckless abandon! DAMNIT!" Alucard sighed angrily. "You're almost as bad as Police Girl!"

* * *

Seras followed the signs with a creepy six-legged goat to get to the petting zoo. Amazingly, it was relatively unaffected by the ghouls. All together, there were three hamsters, two goats, seventeen rabbits and a porcupine.

"Huh. A porcupine." She poked with the end of Harkonnen and watched as it puffed up and hissed, its quills standing on end. "That's interesting. Wait…what kind of petting zoo would have a porcupine!?"

"You're smarter than you look!"

"No I'm not!" She retorted to the insofar disembodied voice. "Oh, wait…" She paused for a second. "Who are you!?"

"Who am I?? WHO AM I!?" A man stepped out of the shadows. He had on the regulation blue Wal-Mart vest, and had a nametag that read 'George, General Manager'.

"Oh. You're George." Seras said simply. George stopped.

"Uh, yeah. I -GURK!" And he suddenly died from a blessed bayonet to the heart. He fell to the ground in a pile of ash, which slowly blew away as the background gradually changed to black and white. Bold white text floated in mid-air.

"Eternity, by Kalvin Klein."

Seras looked around wildly, trying to discern the origin of the voice. "Where the hell did that come from!?"

"The deepest pits of HELL!!"

Seras' pupils dilated at the very sound of _that_ voice. "Anderson…" She watched as the nut bag crazy-ass 'priest' walked out from the shadows ('My, but there seems to be so many shadows around here,' she commented blandly), smiling creepily. He held two bayonets in front of himself in the shape of a cross.

"BLAH BLAH BLAH SCRIPTURES BLAH!"

"Uhh…aren't you supposed to actually _say_ the scriptures? And what happened to your accent?"

"SHUT UP, HEATHEN!" Anderson raged, hitting Seras squarely in the throat with one of his bayonets. Again.

"HGHGWARRRGH!" Seras gurgled in surprise as she stumbled backwards. "GWAH!" Knowing that the battle was too much for her, she turned and ran. "Must…find…Master…" She wandered through the isles until she found him in the gaming area. "HCGGHCAAH!"

"Mhm, be right there." Alucard said irritably, sticking his tongue out in concentration as he manipulated Pheonix on the screen.

"Master…" Seras managed to gurgle out as she stumbled over to him, blood loss starting to affect her motor skills. "Help." She reached for his arm, but he just brushed her hand away irritably.

"I'll help you as soon as I reach the next checkpoint- oh. There it is." He paused the game and looked down at her. "You know that bayonets to the throat are bad for you, right?" He grabbed it and ripped it out of her throat. She gurgled some more and whimpered in pain. "Hmm…blessed. Anderson is here, isn't he?"

Seras nodded weakly before collapsing on the floor. "Buttercream pancakes, Master."

Alucard ignored her. "Perfect." A huge smile crossed his face. "We're going to have fun tonight!"

"Speak for yourself." Seras mumbled darkly.

"AAAANDERSON!!" Alucard called tauntingly. "COME OUT!" Heavy footsteps were heard coming from the ladies' underwear section. Anderson stepped by two racks and nonchalantly threw a bright blue bra he had been sniffing (dude, they're _new_) over his shoulder, a sadistic smile on his face.

"Hello, you sin against nature!" He greeted, twirling one of his bayonets eagerly. "Ready to DIE!?"

Alucard just grinned. "Wanna play Gears of War with me? That AI really sucks."

Anderson paused for maybe a millisecond before haphazardly throwing his bayonets to the floor.

"Hells yeah! Thought you'd never ask!"

Seras sputtered in confusion as Alucard and Anderson both picked up controllers and began playing.

"Ah, you're already at the train station?"

"Yeah. Someone else had already started a game, so I just played on that campaign. Might as well finish it."

The two played until they had defeated General RAAM. They celebrated by giving each other high fives, then Alucard gave Anderson a shot to the forehead courtesy Casull, and Anderson, in return, let Alucard keep a bayonet that was now embedded in his thoracic cavity. It was a nice gaming session.

Anderson walked off through the panties section again, prancing and throwing undergarments into the air like a little girl would do with flower petals. Alucard grinned and picked up Seras by the scruff of her neck.

"He took care of the vampire, didn't he?" Seras nodded. "Good. Let's go back to headquarters. I have to tell Walter about the ending to that game." Seras sighed and nodded in agreement. Smiling, Alucard dissipated, leaving Seras to fall heavily to the floor.

"Oof! HEY! What about ME!?" She clambered to her feet and shook her fist at nothing in particular. "Oh, you _bastard_!" She growled as she retrieved Harkonnen, found her sign, and stood by the highway again.

* * *

Teh End. R&R per usual. 


	2. Grounded!

**The Hellsing 'Institution'**

First, before I go any further, there are a few things I'd like to explain.

1) This is a parody. Expect major OOCness. MAJOR. Did I already mention the excessive amount of OOCness you'll find here? If not, there's a lot of OOC. If I did, there's a lot of OOC. There.

2) You may find things that don't make any sense at all (ex: the six-legged goat sign that led to the petting zoo.). Do not worry; you're not going insane. I am. And, sometimes, I feel the need to throw in random things that won't make any sense at all, just for my own personal entertainment. Remember: if it doesn't make sense, then it's probably there for no good reason other than I felt like typing it.

With that out of the way, I must say thank you for the reviews, and feel free to leave more. I won't hurt you if you leave negative reviews, but please make them specific so I can at least address the problems you're probably taking joy in pointing out. Just saying "U r dum n ur story is to" is nothing but waste of time, and if you do that, I hope your brain gets eaten by a carnivorous rabid squirrel.

* * *

Chapter Two: Grounded!-Day 1

Integra gave her two vampire minions a hard look over the rim of her glasses before shifting her gaze back to the report she was gripping tightly. "Sixteen uninfected civilians were murdered?" She sighed, slapping her palm to her forehead. "How on earth did _that_ happen?"

"Uh-" Seras fidgeted uncomfortably. "It was the porcupine." She was sitting in a plush chair in front of Integra's desk while Alucard leaned against a nearby wall in his regular post-mission vegetative state of boredom. He hated these after-mission debriefings.

"I'm sure it was." Integra commented dryly. "Save your humour for elsewhere. Now is not that time."

Seras curled up a bit in fear. "It was a mistake! Why were they still in line, anyway!? Didn't they know that the place was overrun with ghouls??"

"There isn't much of a difference between ghouls and Wal-Mart shoppers." Integra said coolly, taking a puff of one of the three currently lit cigars she had resting in the ashtray. It's always smart to be prepared. "I doubt they even noticed anything was amiss until you shot them."

Seras flinched. "What do I have to do? Send out letters of apologies?"

Integra balked at the young vampire's stupidity. " Would _you_ like to receive an apology letter from someone who murdered _your_ family!?"

"It'd be a start." Seras shrugged, causing Integra to ask Alucard if he _knew_ Police Girl was this stupid and only turned her into a vampire to torture his master. Alucard shrugged noncommittally.

"Regardless…I'm going to have to take some sort of punitive action against you. _Both_ of you." Integra paused for a moment. "You're not allowed to leave the estate for a week. No missions, and you're only allowed to use the inside firing range. And your Walter privileges are revoked. If you want something done, you'll have to do it yourself."

"What!?" Seras jumped to her feet, smacking her hands onto the desk in front of her. "You're _grounding_ us!?"

"I'd prefer to think of it as…house arrest." Integra smiled. "You're both dismissed. I have a lot of paperwork to do. Next time you're out on a mission, remember that for every civilian you kill, I have to do five hours of paperwork." Integra tapped her pen on a two-foot tall stack of papers that graced her desk. "And for every five hours of paperwork I have to do, I get _that_ much bitchier."

Seras gulped audibly. _She was bitchy enough __without__ endless hours of paperwork…_ "Y-yes Ma'am. Sir. Your Highness. Uh-"

"Shut up." Integra sighed and sat back in her chair. "Didn't I tell you to leave?"

Seras opened and closed her mouth in a vain attempt to say something back, but she quickly smartened up and fled the room. Integra chuckled to herself, rather pleased with her decision.

"I believe I dismissed you _both_, Alucard….ALUCARD!"

He jumped a bit and looked around in alarm. "Huh? What?"

Integra scowled. "You can _leave_." She gave the vampire a lingering glare as he melted into the shadows and disappeared. She let out a long sigh. "_Finally._" She pulled out a silver DS Lite and started playing Barbie Horse Adventure. "Jump that fence, Rainbow Candycloud! You can make it!!" She stared at the screen intently for a couple of seconds before jumping up in jubilation. "I KNEW we could do it!!" Unfortunately, her jubilant jump caused her to accidentally bump her desk, which caused the aforementioned stack of paper (which had been stacked rather precariously for some reason) to flop over and flutter all over the floor.

"Oh shit. Those weren't numbered." Integra looked around the room shiftily. "WAAAALTER!!"

Walter strode into the room a couple of seconds later and looked around wearily, his left eye twitching as he noticed that the floor was covered in important documents and forms. "Am I to assume that you wish me to clean this up?" Integra nodded. "You weren't, by any chance, playing that DS of yours, were you?"

Integra shook her head hastily. "Of course not."

"Then how do explain _this_?" Walter motioned towards the DS, which was still on, sitting on the top of her desk. It was playing cheerful, triumphant music with the flowery words 'You did it!' flashing.

Integra paused for a moment. "I blame the Iscariots."

"Of course." Walter sighed then began picking up the papers. "Everything is always _Iscariot's_ fault. The dishwasher breaking was _Iscariot's_ fault. The baseball through the window? _Iscariot_. Somebody putting Alucard's coat in with my wash so all my shirts came out pink? _ISCARIOT!_" Walter continued to grumble darkly to himself, occasionally slamming a small stack of papers onto the desk.

"Can somebody say _anger issues_?" Integra whispered to herself, once again playing her game.

* * *

Seras sat on the edge of her...umm…coffin uncomfortably. "Damn I wish I still had my bed." She lamented lamely to herself as she looked around her sparsely decorated room. "What am I going to do now? Hmm…I wonder what Master is doing." 

-In Alucard's Chambers-

A loud snoring noise could be heard coming from Alucard's coffin, along with occasional random mumbling.

"Mmmmm…p0wned, heh heh…."

The snoring resumed.

-Back With Seras-

She would have checked, but the last time she went into her master's room uninvited she almost got hit between the eyes with a bottle of wine. She managed to duck slightly, so it just glanced off the top of her head. Unfortunately for her, Alucard had thrown it hard enough to shear off the top portion of her scalp. She had to walk around for two weeks looking like some sort of gruesome clown. She pouted and stroked the top of her head.

"I'm not going through _that_ again. I wonder if Sir Integra will let me play her DS?" After considering this idea for half an hour, she decided against it. "No, she was pretty mad when we saw her last. And she loves that pony game." Seras blinked a couple times. "I'll just stare at the wall then, I guess." With that being decided, she sat on the edge of her coffin, her hands clasped and laying in her lap, and stared at the wall.

* * *

Walter was straightening the huge stack of papers on Integra's desk, still looking quite distressed. He had picked up and organized every piece of paper, and it only took him FOUR HOURS!! Huzzah for Walter! He stepped back to take in his handy work, blowing a stray strand of his black hair out of his eyes. He was looking quite dishevelled; parts of his hair had fallen out of his normally immaculate pony tail and were either hanging limply by his shoulders or looping out in random directions, his shirt was rumpled, and his monocle was nowhere to be found. With a huge sigh and a satisfied nod, he turned to Integra, who had propped her feet up on the desk to be more comfortable while playing her game. 

"There. It's all finished, Miss Integra."

"Hmm?" She didn't take her eyes of the screen as she randomly groped her desktop for the pack of cigars she swore she had set there earlier. "Oh, yeah. Great job, servant. Have a cookie." She grunted in frustration when she couldn't find the cigars, and started to sweep the tabletop angrily. "Damn things! Where are yo-" Her eyes went wide as she heard the gently 'whoosh' noise of many sheets of paper falling, once again, to the floor. She looked over to her desk, chewing slightly on her cigar.

"Oops. Uh…mind getting those for me again, Walter?"

In response, he laid down, curled up into the fetal position, and began to sob loudly.

"I'd appreciate it if you'd clean those up after your mental breakdown." Integra paused for a moment, then pulled open a small drawer in her desk. "Aha! _That's_ where I put those!" She pulled out the small pack of cigars, then proceeded to stick three in her mouth and light them. "Aaaah…_smokes_." She then turned back to her game, puffing like a madwoman. "Come on Moonbeam Sunshadow! Rainbow Candycloud was better than you! JUMP! As the leader of Hellsing, I order you to JUMP!"

And the virtual horse did obey, for even pixels ph34r teh mad death skillz of Sir Integra Wingacy Sunshine Funtime Rainbows Mary Sue Bertha Bessie Hellbitch- I mean, Hellsing. She kept most of her middle names a secret (I can't imagine why), and the last person to find out was the only other butler she ever employed. His name was Chauncey. He was cleaning out a drawer that, for some inexplicable reason, held Integra's birth certificate which displayed all available information about baby Integra, middle names and all. Chauncey, like the stupid bastard he was, confronted her, and was promptly shot between the eyes and buried in a shallow grave just outside her office window so she could keep an eye on it. She then decided it would be best to stick with just Walter, since he already knew her middle names but was intelligent enough to never speak of them, or acknowledge their existence in any way, shape, or form. Chauncey was the reason she could always be found looking out the window, her eyes narrowed in anger. Well, that and the festering hatred she held for _all _those she had buried in shallow graves in her garden of death. And roses. It also had quite a lovely shrubbery.

Integra glanced at her watch. 12:35 PM. LUNCHTIME! She stood up and stretched, then turned off her DS and threw it carelessly onto her desk. She had been working on her paperwork ALL morning and felt like she deserved a break. She was also getting hungry. She inhaled one last, huge lungful of smoke (and choked on the cigars almost being sucked back into her trachea as a result) before ramming all three of them into the overflowing ashtray. She pursed her lips in distaste as old cigar ashes rose in a plume and settled on the surface of her desk. She walked towards the door, stepping over Walter on her way. "Oh, and can you clean that ashtray as well? It's completely full."

Walter whimpered in response, still sobbing. Integra sighed. "I guess I'll make myself lunch. How hard can it be?"

* * *

Alucard woke to the sound of enraged screams reverberating throughout the entire mansion. He shoved the lid off his coffin and stretched languidly, a frown on his face. After sitting and staring blankly in a drowsy stupor for a few minutes, he climbed to his feet and went to investigate the source of the sounds. He meandered listlessly through the mansion until he finally came upon the kitchen. He gazed inside to find a frazzled Integra stabbing at a can of tomato soup with a rather large steak knife. Cocking his head to the side, he wandered over and tapped her gently on the shoulder. 

"May I ask what in the _hell_ you're doing, Master?"

Integra, panting heavily, spun around with a feral look in her eyes. She grabbed the can and thrust it into his face. "Open. This. _Now_." She ordered through grit teeth, obviously doing her best to control her rage. Alucard took the can and inspected it for a few minutes before searching through some drawers.

"Why are you doing this, Master? Doesn't Walter normally prepare your meals?" He asked as he gently poked at utensils to determine whether or not they were silver. Unfortunately for him, the one he poked was, so he moved along to another drawer.

"He's busy having a mental breakdown or some such thing." Integra snapped back testily. "All I want is some SOUP!"

Having found what he was searching for, Alucard turned to face Integra. "I shall now educate you as to what opening a can entails." In his left hand was the can. In his right hand was a can opener. He pointed this out to Integra. "Can you guess from the title what this device is used for, Master?"

She scowled and snatched both from him. "Har-dee-har. I think I can take it from here." Alucard watched blankly as she managed to figure out how the can opener functioned. Now with an open can, she stared at the contents. "…this doesn't look like soup."

Alucard sighed. "It's _concentrate_, Master. You need to add water and heat it on the stove."

"I knew that." Integra mumbled as she set the can on the stove and turned it on. "When do I add the water?"

Alucard slapped his forehead. "While you are indeed adept at running this organization, your cooking skills seem to have been sorely neglected." He took the can off the stove and grabbed one of the pots that were hanging off an apparatus on the wall. "Perhaps you should let _me_ finish this up so you don't _hurt_ yourself, Master."

Integra snorted. "What makes you think _you'll_ know how to make it?"

Alucard showed her the can. "There's directions on the label."

Integra scowled. "I knew that."

"Of _course_ you did, Master."

"Besides," she reasoned to no one in particular, "Walter usually cooks for me. It was rather inconsiderate of him to have a breakdown just as I got hungry. He should have asked for permission." She shrugged. "It'll just have to count as his vacation days." She pulled out a cigar and lit it.

"I didn't even know he _got_ vacation days." Alucard commented as he whisked the soup and turned the burner heat up a couple of notches.

"He doesn't." Integra replied blankly.

"…_ah_."

Both were silent for a couple of minutes as the soup heated up slowly. Finally, Alucard turned to his master and almost smiled. "It's finished. And if _you're_ finished with your failed attempts at cooking and can mutilation via steak knives, I'm going back to sleep."

Integra nodded, lighting another cigar with the still smouldering butt of the last one and shoving it in her mouth. Alucard vaguely wondered how she kept her teeth so white, what with all the smoking she did as he dragged his tired ass back to his chambers. Heh. I just like saying that word. He breathed a deep sigh of relief as he reached his coffin. Without a moment's hesitation, he flopped down into it and fell asleep almost the instant after he had pulled the lid closed.

* * *

Seras was still staring at the wall, gritting her teeth with the effort it was taking her not to blink. "I'm going for the world record!" She exclaimed to no one in particular, renewing her vigilance. "I think my eyes are going to start bleeding any minute now…auuuuugh!"

* * *

Okay, that's all for now! You've obviously read, so now feel free to review! I would like to receive some constructive criticism once in a while. Oh, and sorry if you like shopping at Wal-Mart. And I'm not entirely sure if there is a Barbie Horse Adventure for the DS, or if you have to jump over fences. So…yeah. Just go along with it. Nod your head and say, "Yes, whatever you say." while thinking _My god, this girl is WEIRD.  
_


	3. Grounded!: The Continuation

**The Hellsing 'Institution'**

Chapter 3-Grounded: The Continuation

Since this is entire grounding idea is going to encompass a timeline of seven days, one of which has already been described, I've decided to just write a small blurb about interesting things that happened each day as opposed to a chapter per day. This is for two main reasons:

1) Who the _hell_ would want to read _six_ more chapters about them being stuck AT the Hellsing manor? Seriously. There wouldn't be much they could do.

2) I honestly don't think I could have enough ideas to make it interesting enough to write that much per day. Like I said before, there's only so much they could do.

But enough of my ramblings. Enjoy.

* * *

Day 2

Alucard sat in his chair, staring blankly and drumming his fingers on the armrest. His chin was cradled in his other hand in a posture of pure boredom. He heaved a mighty vampyric sigh .

"No missions…" He scowled deeply. "No shooting, no killing, no _fun_. And it's all Police Girl's fault." Alucard growled angrily as he grabbed a bottle of wine that happened to be sitting on the small table beside him and hucked it across the room. It hit the wall with a satisfying crash, and he watched with a small measure of amusement as shards of glass and wine showered to the ground. "I don't know _why_ I have that in here anyway. It's not like I'm planning to _entertain_." He stood up and paced around the room anxiously, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. He paused for a moment to take off his sunglasses and hat and lay them down on the chair, then began to pace again. His grumblings soon turned into a long string of colourful expletives, which then turned into an enraged howl that echoed throughout the entire building.

* * *

Integra looked up briefly from her paperwork and cocked an eyebrow. "I wonder what _his_ problem is."

"Don't mind him. He either wants attention or wants to kill something." Walter replied, popping a couple Zolofts into his mouth. Integra nodded and listened, her expression growing soft.

"But he sounds so _pained_. Maybe you should check up on him."

"He's _fine_, Miss Integra, I assure you. If you check up on him now, you're only acting as an enabler by rewarding his bad behaviour with attention. That's exactly what he wants, and you have to show him that you're the boss by not giving in."

Integra sighed. "You've been watching that 'Dog Whisperer' show again, haven't you?"

Walter smiled and nodded. "I find that the principles work just as well with vampires." They both shared a jolly good laugh at that before the atmosphere became one of seriousness again. Integra returned to her paperwork and Walter continued to reorganize a filing cabinet. Oh, the joy.

* * *

Alucard sat in his coffin, drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them.

"Usually Master would have sent Walter down to check on me by now…" he mumbled miserably to himself, if only because there wasn't anyone else there. He frowned deeply. "Why aren't they paying _attention_ to me!?" He yowled in anger again and pouted at the notable lack of footsteps coming his way. He sat like that for a couple of minutes before getting up and grabbing his hat.

"Well, looks like I have nothing better to do than turn all of Walter's wash pink again." With a snicker, Alucard made his way towards the laundry room, twirling his red fedora on his finger and whistling a jaunty tune. "Perhaps I'll venture so far as to include Master's wash, as well."

* * *

Seras let out an infuriated roar.

"NOOOOOO!! I blinked! And I was _this_ close to breaking the official unofficial record, too!"

With that, she began to weep quietly into her hands.

* * *

­­­­­­­­­

Later in the evening, it was a sad scene indeed when Walter went to check out the wash. Every white item of clothes that had been put into the wash was now a delicate shade of light pink. His eye twitched as he went through the pile of freshly dried clothes, separating his shirts from Integra's shirts. At the bottom of the pile he found Alucard's signature hat. Walter stood for a few minutes, grasping that damned hat so hard his knuckles turned white. He wasn't sure whether he should scream or curl up and weep quietly. He opted for the latter.

A deep, greatly amused chuckle could be heard coming from behind the door at the end of the dank stone hallway.

* * *

Day 3

It took a great deal of self-control (and numerous cigars…and half a bottle of fine brandy) for Integra not to shoot her pet vampire into oblivion.

"Why Master, who would have guessed that you'd look so _fetching _in pink?" Alucard chuckled as he entered Integra's office.

"_Shut up!_" Integra growled. "You're _forbidden_ from wearing your hat and coat for the duration of your house arrest. Leave them on the chair."

His previously amused demeanour dissipated as he complied, a scowl now planted on his face. "You _do_ realize that I can just-"

"VERBOTEN!!" Integra yelled angrily. "And if you even _think_ about it," she paused to lean forward and point a finger at him ominously, "I'll have you tied up and tacked to the wall just as you were when I found you, and then I'll throw silver objects at you until you're nothing more than a pile of ash."

They both glared at each other. The tension was so thick, it was…well, tension can't _really_ be thick since it's a feeling and whatnot. But I'm ruining the illusion.

"Yes Master." Alucard replied in a strained monotone, clearly not amused with his current situation. Integra huffed angrily and leaned back into her chair, lighting up her twelfth cigar in a row. Alucard slowly placed his beloved hat on the chair, then went to the task of emptying out all the pockets of his coat before taking it off. "Hmm…let's see what I've got in here…" He pulled out multiple empty blood packets and threw them onto the floor, much to Integra's disgust. He continued to root through his pockets, and the pile on the floor grew. Empty magazines, some dead batteries, an iPod, a dismembered hand-

"You can stop now!" Integra barked quickly after he had tossed the hand onto the top of the pile. He stared at her blankly and shrugged.

"As you wish, Master. But if I need something from one of the pockets-"

"You can come grab it _if_ you _really_ need it." Integra sighed tiredly, taking off her glasses to massage the bridge of her nose. "Just….leave your jacket, then leave the room."

Alucard shrugged the jacket off his shoulders and plopped it onto the chair, a mournful look in his eyes. He couldn't recall a time when he was forced to abandon his beloved coat. _And_ hat. It was almost too much for him to bear.

"Good. Now get out of my sight." Integra snapped. With one last, lingering look, Alucard left the room, shoulders slumped forward in defeat.

"Good god…" Integra mumbled, staring at the vampire's pile of pocket refuse in abject horror. "Clean up on isle four."

* * *

Finally getting over the crushing depression of losing one's dream, Seras wandered out of her room and promptly ran into someone. She stumbled backwards and blushed in embarrassment.

"I'm so sorry! I didn't…see…Master, is that _you_?"

Alucard pouted and glared at her in response. She covered her mouth in shock.

"I'm sorry! I didn't recognize you without your-"

"I KNOW!" Alucard roared, still a bit tender about his missing attire. He wrapped his arms around himself and shivered slightly. "I didn't know it was so damned _cold_ in here!" With that, he stalked off to his chambers (tee hee) and slammed the door behind him. Seras stared questioningly at the door for a few moments before shaking her head.

"These people are _weirdos_." She turned just in time to see Walter's legs as he descended the staircase at the other end of the hall. "Hey, Walter! Do you know what's…up with your shirt??"

Walter sighed, sounding more than a little depressed. "Alucard decided to have a little fun by putting his hat in with the wash. Again."

"I'd just blame it on the Iscariots." Seras said simply. "Anyway, pink doesn't look _that_ bad on you."

Walter began to weep again, and went back up the stairs. Seras was quite discouraged by the reactions she was getting from people and decided it would be best if she stared at the wall again.

* * *

Day 4

Integra, her brows furrowed in deep thought, tapped her pen lightly against her chin. She glared at the paperwork she was still slowly working her way through. As far as she could tell, she had another three or four days of hard work ahead of her. And then every day after that until the day she died. Sighing heavily with the burden of her position, she set the pen down and pulled out her trusty DS.

"Right. Let's see if trading off Moonbeam Sunshadow for Princess McHorsington was worth it!" She began to mash buttons with surprising viciousness as she watched the screen intensely. "Come on, Princess! Help me forget about how craptastic my life is!" The obstacle course she was working on was finished in record time by Princess McHorsington. Integra pumped her fist in the air as a sign of triumph.

"YESSSS! One more golden carrot and I'll unlock the alternate costumes!" She took a quick look around to ensure that there wasn't anyone in the room, vaguely wondering why she didn't do that to begin with. Satisfied that the room was indeed empty, she was about to return to her game when she noticed Alucard's effects still laying on the chair. She pursed her lips in contemplation.

"Hmmm…I suppose it wouldn't hurt anything…"

* * *

Alucard bolted upright, whacking his head hard on the coffin lid.

"AUGH! Urrrgh…" He threw the lid off and rubbed his forehead ruefully. "Hat…senses…_tingling_…" With a start he jumped out of his coffin and sprinted down the hall towards the source of the disturbance. With nary a warning he burst into his master's office to find Integra spinning in her chair and playing her DS while…while wearing his coat and hat!?

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Alucard cried in agony and fell to his knees, head thrown back in his cry of anguish. Integra stopped spinning, her eyes wide with fear.

"No, Alucard! It's not what it looks like!" She cried, flinging her DS to the side.

Alucard wouldn't have any of it. He climbed to his feet and promptly disappeared as he was wont to do. Integra ran to where he was and looked both ways down the hall, even though she knew he was gone.

"Damnit! He wasn't supposed to find out!" She lifted the wide brim out of her face and sighed. 'Oh well. What can you do?" With that, she walked back into her office and began spinning in her chair once again. "WHEEEEEE!! Waaaalter! Mind bringing in some Gravol??"

* * *

Alucard sat in his chair, a deep, brooding scowl on his face. "I'll get her for that…and this time it has to be something _worse_ than just turning her shirts pink." His expression gradually became one of deep sadness. "My hat…" he whimpered to himself, resting his face in his hands. " My _hat…_"

There was a soft knocking at the door.

"Enter." Alucard called weakly. Seras opened the door a crack and looked in.

"Is it all right if I come in, Master?"

"I just SAID _enter_!!" Alucard gnashed his teeth angrily, causing Seras to flinch. Somehow mustering up something that resembled courage, Seras pushed the door open and entered the room, holding something behind her back.

"I have a surprise for you, Master, and I think you'll like it!"

"Why would you give me something you think I _wouldn't_ like?" He replied dryly. "What is it?"

Seras pulled the item out from behind her back with a flourish and a beaming smile. Alucard's eyes went wide with surprise. A hat! _His_ hat!

"Walter told me what happened (Alucard's anguished yowl had instantly woken her up, and she asked Walter what in the _hell _that unholy sound was), and I figured that you were probably missing your hat, so I made one. I found a pattern on a cosplay website!" Seras smiled widely as she handed the hat over. It was made of a black felt material, and it fit a bit funny (Seras wasn't the best at sewing), but it would do. Alucard plopped it on his head and slouched in contentment.

"It's reasons like this that I keep your pathetic ass around." He grinned happily.

"I'll take that as a compliment." Seras replied dryly, twitching slightly. "I just finished up, so I'm going back to sleep. Goodnight, Master." He nodded in reply and she left the room rather quickly.

Feeling a renewed sense of self, Alucard adjusted the brim of the hat until he was pleased with the way it sat, then went back to bed and contemplated how he would extract his revenge on his master.

* * *

" Do you think I should apologize?" Integra asked Walter quietly, tipping back the brim of the hat so she could get a good view of him.

" If you were truly sorry about the incident, would you _still_ be wearing the items?" He cocked an eyebrow.

Integra scowled deeply and pulled the jacket tighter around herself. She _swam_ in it, but she liked it nonetheless. "You shut up." She then decided that by actively ignoring the situation it would go away, and she went back to completing the paperwork.

* * *

Day 5

Alucard was laying spread eagle on the floor, staring blankly at the dull stone roof, his new hat resting on his stomach.

"I have a love-el-lee bunch of coconuts, di-diddily-dum. There they are all standing in a row, bum bum bum… BIG ones, SMALL ones, some the size of your head! Give 'em a twist, a flick o' the wrist, that's what the showman said!"

He bobbed his head back and forth in time with the lyrics, a maniacal smile plastered on his face. He had failed to come up with a definitive place of revenge, and his failure was beginning to take it's toll on his psyche.

In other words…I do believe he was losing his mind.

* * *

Seras paused and listened to her master's singing. With a sigh and a sad shaking of her head, she turned her own music up and resumed dancing like the girl everyone avoided during school dances because they weren't sure if she was having a seizure or not. Horrifyingly enough, she was also singing along, using an old brush as a substitute microphone.

"_If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends!_

_Make it last forever, FRIENDSHIP never eeeends!_"

* * *

Walter was _going _to go and check up on the two vampires, but after hearing them both screeching like that (and horribly off-key, I might add), he thought it would be better to forego the whole thing. Instead, he opted to go back to his own quarters and play Gears of War for a little while on his own Xbox 360.

"Oh my. Those wretches sure are _dreadful_."

* * *

Alucard broke down the door to his fledgling's room and stood ominously in the now-empty door frame.

"For the love of God, would you turn that _shit_ OFF!!"

Apparently Seras really enjoyed the song 'Wannabe', since she had been listening to it on repeat for two hours straight. It was enough to drive anyone with half a brain to the brink of madness (which spoke _volumes _about her). Seras pouted indignantly and sniffed in defiance.

"No! I like this song, and I'm going to listen to it for as long as I want to!"

With a grim look of determination and utmost contempt, Alucard stalked over to the small cd player, ripped the plug out of the socket, picked it up, and smashed on the floor, then proceeded to stomp on it a couple of times, just for good measure. Seras watched on in horror.

"NOOO!! Not my Spice Girls cd!" She fell to her knees, weeping. Alucard huffed angrily and stormed out the room to continue singing his coconut song while staring blankly at the ceiling. He was _so_ close to reaching Nirvana and attaining his divine plan of revenge, it wasn't even funny. He was in the _zone_.

* * *

Integra stood stock still as her tailor took her measurements.

"You're _sure_ you want a jacket made in _that_ style, Sir Hellsing?" he asked warily, eyeing the long red jacket the was casually draped over a nearby chair back.

"Yes, I'm sure!" Integra snapped back. "Don't question me!"

"Okay then. You're the boss." He shrugged and got back to work. "I didn't know that the Spanish Inquisition look was in style…"

"_What was that_!?" Integra asked icily, venom in her voice.

"Oh, nothing." Her tailor replied quickly, finishing up the measurements and striding hastily out of the room. "It'll be finished in about two weeks!" He called back. Integra pursed her lips.

"_Two _weeks. Well, until then." She walked over to Alucard's coat and put it on again. "Heh heh…"

* * *

Day 6

"Only _one_ more day." Alucard reminded himself firmly. "You can _make_ it. Sure, you haven't killed or hurt or maimed anything in _six bloody days_…only _one more_ to go." He paused in thought for a moment. "I wonder how they've coped without me…"

-Somewhere in the Field-

"Oh my GOD!!" A nameless, faceless, unimportant cannon fodder soldier screamed in pain as a ghoul bit him on the neck and chewed his flesh. With a few more gurgles, he died.

"Nameless Soldier #7 just went down, sir!" Nameless Soldier #3 called to his commander, Nameless Soldier #1, who growled angrily in response.

"Just keep running towards them with your defences down! They've got to become full _sometime_! Nameless Soldiers 25 through 37, move _out_!!"

The soldiers climbed over the edge of their protective barricade of old sofas and soda machines and ran towards the ghouls, arms held out to the side, screaming battle cries that consisted of:

"Eat this, you filthy bastards!"

"Chew on me!"

"When the _hell_ are you guys going to become _full_!?"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!! AUUUGH!"

"Look at me! I'm covered in barbeque sauce!"

"Got mayo??"

"How many more days do we have to wait until Hellsing's 'secret weapon' comes!?" Nameless Soldier #3 cried, watching the gory scene in horror. "We can't kill them! We can only be killed _by _them! Who the HELL made that rule, anyway!?"

-Back with Alucard-

"Eh, they're probably holding out _fine_. They're just cannon fodder anyway. Their only purpose is to provide a bountiful source of blood, death, and gore." Alucard shrugged and continued folding paper cranes. "Two hundred seventy _four_…"

* * *

Seras snored loudly as she dreamed another one of her strange, wonderful dreams…

"Why _hello there_ you cute wittle thing you!" Seras cooed as she picked up the cute, fluffy kitten and held it gently in her arms. "You looking for a home, little fella? Snooky-pooky-wookums!" She scratched the kitten behind the ears and smiled as it began to purr. "I think I'll name you…Fluffy McPurrington!"

The kitten hissed in response.

"No? Then how about…Captain Fluffball Kitty-Kat?" Once again, the cat hissed angrily. "Fine. Then how does Fred sound?"

The kitten purred happily in response.

"Okay then, Fred. How would you like a little bit of tuna, hmm?" Seras looked around for the first time to find herself in a strange realm, surrounded by nothing but endless white. She frowned in confusion. "I don't see any tuna…"

Suddenly, the spirit of Harkonnen gently floated down from above (or what she _assumed_ was above, since there wasn't anything to use as a reference point for direction), holding a can of tuna in his hands.

"Oh. It's _you_ again." Seras scowled.

"Ooooh, let's be friiiiiiiendssssss…" Harkonnen drawled, creepy as ever. "Here…here…here. If I give you thiiiiis, will we be _friiiiiendssss?_"

"No." Seras punched Harkonnen in the throat and took the can of tuna. "Now go away. I don't like you. You're _creepy_."

Harkonned slowly faded away, and it was just her and the kitten again. Upon further inspection, the kitten had miraculously grown into a cat, which was a light orange and had big blue eyes.

"Aww…we kinda look alike, you and I." Seras commented sweetly. The cat scoffed.

"Yeah, whatever, you tard. Just give me the goddamned fish already."

"Wha…?" Seras dropped the cat and stepped back. "You…you're not a normal cat!" She dropped the can of tuna and pulled out a handgun. The cat seemed to smile, just like the Cheshire cat from Alice in Wonderland. It took a few steps towards her. "Stay right there, or I'll shoot!"

The cat took another step towards her. With a slight grimace, Seras pulled the trigger and shot the cat in it's midsection. A small poof of fur went flying, then floated back and rejoined with the cat, which seemed none the worse for the experience. Shaking with fear, Seras shook her head.

"You're…not a _normal cat_!" With a small, awkward spasm, Seras turned on her heel and ran as fast as she could. The cat sat down and grinned.

"Why? Would you have shot me if I was?"

"NO!! I _wouldn't _have!!" Seras called back, still running for her life. The cat blinked slowly then began to lick itself.

"Ugh. That girl made me feel _dirty_. I hope stupidity isn't _contagious_."

Seras suddenly found herself in a shopping plaza that, for some reason, had blurry lighting and was completely pastel. She looked around to find a payphone.

"Oh, hey! I think I'll just mosey on over there to page my consciousness so I can get the hell out of this dream!" She wandered over and picked up the receiver, pulling a couple of coins out of her pocket. "All right, let's see how much a long distance call will…bwuh!?" For some reason, all the instructions were in Japanese. "Huh…well, hopefully this flattened bottle cap will work." Indeed it did. She dialled the number to her consciousness and got the 'tone of death'.

"-boop bweep BOOP- The number you have just dialled is currently unavailable. Please hang up and go away. Do not try again. Do not pass Go. Do not collect three hundred dollars."

Seras hung up the phone and cursed. "Come ON, damnit! Wake UP!"

-BEEP BEEP BEEP-

Seras spun around at the beeping sound and saw a tall man with long blonde hair standing there, holding a pager with a dolphin charm. He was wearing a white shirt with poufy sleeves (not unlike Interga's, she noted), had on a blue vest and pants and weird skirt-like thing, tall black boots, and he had a sword.

"Uh…who are you?"

The man didn't answer, but took her by the hand and dragged her along.

"Umm…okay then. Where are we going?" The man still didn't answer. He dragged her into a small shop and handed her a pair of sunglasses while putting a baseball cap on his head.

"There are ugly. I don't want to wear them." She found herself putting them on anyway and looking into a mirror, grinning. "Hey, these actually don't look half bad!"

She then found herself sitting at a small café table, sipping on a rootbeer float. "Wha…? How did we get-" She was cut off again by another random change in scenery. The blond man and she were crouched in front of one of those claw machines. The man had gotten the claw to grab a stuffed animal, but it dropped it just at the last moment, eliciting an angry glare from him. The man looked both ways before smashing his fist through the glass and grabbing the stuffed animal, then handed it to Seras with a smile.

"Uh, yeah. Thanks." There was another scene change, and she found herself walking along with the dude, the ugly stuffed toy held tightly in her arms. She stuck her tongue out in disgust as she threw the ugly thing over her shoulder.

" I gave up everything to be here with you…the war, my country, my duties as a knight. I gave them all up to be with you, Hitomi."

"Whoah, dude! I think you're a little confused!" Seras laughed uncomfortably. "I'm not 'Hitomi.' My name is Seras Victoria, and-"

The man grabbed her and was closing in for a kiss when suddenly, out of bloody nowhere, a carriage pulled up and screeched to a halt. The door flung open to reveal a young blonde woman in a frilly pink shirt and black tights or something. She threw her arms open wide.

"Aaaaaaallennnn!" She called. Allen turned, looking pleasantly surprised.

"Oh! Millerna!" He ran over, and they kissed passionately.

"Oookay then." Seras muttered, wondering where the hell all these cracked-out people came from. Suddenly, the sky went dark and a bolt of lightning hit the top of a nearby tower. A huge chunk of debris blew off. "Holy baby Jesus!" Just as suddenly, the ground beneath Seras' feet gave way to a whole lot of nothing, and she began to fall.

"WHEEE!! Oh…what is that? AUGH!" She flinched as a bright beam of light engulfed her. She watched through squinted eyes as she saw someone falling with her. "Oh no! You-what the!?" The person suddenly sprouted wings. She squinted and tried to see their face, but the bright light from behind sort of prevented her from discerning any facial features. Or any features at all. The angel (or mutant. Whatever.) was nothing more than a black blob. Seras held her hand out.

"Help me, you winged bastard!" The winged bastard managed to catch up and grabbed Seras' hand firmly. Suddenly, everything faded to blackness…

"Urg…what the _hell _was THAT all about?" Seras grumbled, remembering to push the lid of her coffin before sitting up. She rubbed her eyes and looked around to find that she was sitting in her coffin in front of a fire, along with a black haired boy and what looked to be a cat girl wearing an orange potatoe sack. The cat girl giggled.

" 'Aaaallen, saave me!' she says." The cat girl mocked, much to Seras' disconcertment.

"I _never_ said that, you weird cat thing! Who are you!? Where am I??"

"You better take this more seriously." The cat girl scowled. "Remember, you almost got sold off to that Meiden guy."

"Who the hell is Meiden??" Seras asked, bewildered. She reached into her coffin and pulled out a random hand gun, then proceeded to wave it around. "Who are you!? What do you want with me??"

The black haired boy raised an eyebrow. "You still seem tired. Go back to bed."

Seras slumped over. "Yeah. Bed." With that, she laid down and closed her eyes, which flew open just seconds later. "Wait! Why do I feel like I know you from somewhere?" She went to sit up again and clocked her head soundly on her coffin lid. "Augh! Urrg…eh." She pushed the lid off and looked around to find herself in her room, located within the Hellsing manor. She let out a sigh of relief.

"That wasn't a _pleasant_ dream at all!!" She growled darkly. "Bastard…"

* * *

"Aaaand…one thousand!" Alucard grinned at his achievement as he set the little purple paper crane down on the floor with the other nine hundred ninety-nine he had folded that day. "Now my wish will come true!" He squeezed his eyes shut. "I wish I had my hat and coat back!" He waited anxiously for a few seconds before opening his eyes and looking around wildly. His hat and coat where nowhere to be found, much to his chagrin. He frowned and rested his chin on the palm of his hand.

"Well…that was a big waste of time." He sighed angrily, flicking the nearest crane away.

* * *

" No, Miss Integra, that _still_ isn't correct!" Walter pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration as Integra stood in front of her desk, which had been sliced in half. She wiggled her fingers and watched as Walter's killer floss glittered and shined in the light.

"But I cut it in half! Isn't that what it's _supposed_ to do?"

"_Not_ when you're trying to attack something that's _in front_ of you, Sir."

She looked over her shoulder at the ruined desk behind her. "Be that as it may, this could still be classified as an improvement."

Walter bit his lip nervously. "I'd like to have those back now, if you please, Sir Integra." The last thing he needed was to be accidentally sliced in half. Nevermind the fact that she was liable to cut _herself_ in half.

"Now!? But I'm just starting to get the _feel _for it!" Integra whined. "I'm in the _zone!_"

Walter sighed. "As you wish, Sir Integra. But I'm just going to go stand over _here_." He then proceeded to leave the room. Integra stood alone for a few minutes until the phone rang. She picked it up with her unflossed hand.

"Hello?"

"Let's continue with the lesson then, shall we?" Walter sat a safe distance away (in the basement), sipping a cup of tea. "Now, when you first start, it is paramount to use the proper wrist motion to maintain strict control over the threads at all time…"

* * *

Day SEVEN!! HURRAY!!

Integra sat behind her new desk, covered in bandages from head to toe. Thankfully, her limbs were all accounted for. She regarded the two vampires standing in front of her with an icy stare.

Seras raised her hand. "Uh, Sir Integra? What happened to- mmphf!" She was cut off as Alucard clamped a hand over her mouth and smiled at his master.

"Please excuse Police Girl. As you probably already know, she's a moron."

Integra nodded and lit up a cigar. "I suppose you'd like to know why I called you here."

Seras nodded vigorously. Alucard remained impassive.

"There's a situation in the nearby town of Goudaville." She glared at Seras, as if daring her to laugh. She couldn't, due to the fact that Alucard was still covering her mouth with his hand. Satisfied that there wasn't going to be an outburst, Integra continued. "The Nameless Soldier squadron was doing a fine job of staving off the attacks, but I'm afraid their numbers are dwindling, and quickly. And, since you two have been _relatively_ well behaved-" she paused to glare at Alucard. " I've decided to cut your punishment short. You two are to leave for Goudaville immediately."

"Yes, Master." Alucard gave a slight bow before backing out of the room, still covering Seras' mouth. Once they were out of the room and the door was closed, Alucard let go of Seras, who gasped for air.

"I can understand why you'd cover my mouth, but my _nose_ as well!?"

Alucard shrugged. "It was for good measure." He watched Walter mildly as he approached them, a bundle in his hands.

"I believe these belong to you, Master Alucard." Walter handed over the bundle to Alucard, who opened it and grinned widely.

"YESSSS!!" Alucard quickly put on his hat and coat, smiling widely. "Now we can get going!" He gave Walter a thumbs up, who returned the gesture. Seras and Alucard then made their way out of the estate.

"Heh heh…Goudaville…" Seras sniggered under her breath.

* * *

And that is the end of that! Once again, REVIEW!

What will happen in Goudaville? Will it be anything like Cheddar or Mozzarella? Highly unlikely!! Will they run into Anderson again? I'm not entirely sure, but the prospects are good! Find out in the next installment of THIS VERY STORY!!

Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing, Escaflowne, or anything else I might have mentioned somewhere in this story.


	4. Goudaville

**The Hellsing 'Institution'**

Chapter Four: Goudaville!

Yes indeed, I do believe I have officially lost it. But, I ask you, is that really a _bad_ thing, or more entertaining? Food for thought. Well…I guess it's kind of like eating celery. Sure, you chew it up, but most of it is cellulose (which is indigestible) and you burn more calories by chewing than it contains. So, really, it's just an empty waste of time. How depressing. Although, it is good with some peanut butter. There you go! Think about it while licking a spoon of peanut butter and the experience won't be completely empty, although you'll probably end up with the distinct feeling that you've just wasted you time, much like I'm accomplishing right now by writing this for you to read! You know what the funny part is? You're READING it! Ha! But enough about my questionable sanity…on with the story.

Shout out to all yallz who wroat reveiwz! HOLLA!! Oh, erm -ahem-. What I meant to say was thanks for all your reviews! They are much appreciated, and I have fun reading them. And, if you venture so far as to suggest something completely wacko and strange that should happen/be included in the story, whether you were serious or not, I'll probably try to work it in somehow, just for the hell of it. I like to have fun with this.

* * *

For some reason unbeknownst to everyone save himself, Alucard deigned to ride in one of Hellsing's transportation vehicles like a lowly…low thing. He was sitting in the back, playing '20 Questions' with Seras. It was Alucard's turn to guess what Seras was thinking of.

She sat for a couple of seconds, face screwed up with concentration, before suddenly smiling.

"Okay, I got it! You'll _never_ guess this one!"

Alucard was silent for a moment. "You're thinking of a pink fuzzy hippopotamus." He stated confidently. Seras scowled at her master.

"HEY! No mind reading allowed. It kind of ruins the whole premise of the game."

Alucard sighed in resignation. "Fine. We'll play it _your_ way."

Seras screwed her face up once again as her mind raced to find something that would be suitably challenging. A light bulb went off in her head and she opened her eyes again and chuckled.

"Okay, I got a _goooood_ one! You'll never guess this!"

"Is it an animal?"

"Yes."

"Is it fuzzy?"

"…yes."

"Is it a carnivorous rabid hamster?"

Seras glared daggers. "I told you NO mind reading!" She scolded angrily, figuring for some strange reason that Alucard would actually _listen_ to her.

"Trust me," Alucard scoffed lightly, "you don't need to be psychic to figure out what you're thinking. Your thought patterns are as transparent as _glass_."

Seras pouted. "That's not funny, Master. You pick something now."

"Hmmm…all right, I got it."

"Is it a mineral?"

"No."

"Animal?"

"Yes."

"Does it fly?"

"Yes."

"Does it have feathers?"

"No."

"Hmmm…" Seras thought deeply for a few seconds. " Are they seen often?"

"No."

"Is it a herbivore?"

"No."

"Carnivore?"

Alucard paused for a moment. "No, you couldn't call it a _carnivore_, per se."

Seras pursed her lips in distaste. "This is hard."

"You still have thirteen questions left, and I'm running out of patience." Alucard replied, crossing his arms. "Hurry up."

"Is it a cat?"

Alucard slapped his forehead. "I said it fl- no. It's _not_ a cat." Alucard huffed angrily. _STUPID Police Girl…_

"Hmm…I was sure it was a cat. Huh…would I want it as a pet?"

"Highly unlikely."

"Umm…is it a vampire bat?"

Alucard blinked in disbelief. "Yes. How did you guess?"

"Ugh, I absolutely HATE those things!" She shivered. "They give me the heebie-jeebies. My turn!"

Alucard groaned in pain. When the hell were they going to _get _there!? Spending all this time in a relatively confined space with Seras was making him want to stab himself in the eyes with a sharpened, rusty spoon. Desperate to find some way to make her shut the hell up, Alucard crinkled his brow in thought. Then, it suddenly hit him right upside the back of his occipital lobe, which caused him to become temporarily blinded.

"SHIT!" He shook his head for a bit, then rubbed his eyes and blinked furiously. His vision slowly came back, his parietal lobe gently patting his occipital lobe on its…umm…back?

"There, there." It cooed. "Everything's going to be _hghhghghghgoooookay._"

His occipital lobe sniffled (?) and smiled (once again?). "You're sure?"

"Of course I am."

Alucard scowled at the ludicrous personification of his grey matter, then put the abusive idea that had spawned that sin against literature into action. He turned to Seras, his expression an impassable wall of blankness. A veritable impregnable barrier of nothingness. A- well, you get the idea. He stared blankly at her. Yeeeeah.

"Goudaville."

Seras sat completely still for a few moments before bursting into uncontrollable laughter.

"BWAAAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!! _Goudaville!!_ AAAAAHAHAHAHAAAA!!"

It went on and on like this until they reached the damn place. Alucard coped by turning up the volume on his iPod and bobbing his head in time with the music. He was listening to the Hellsing Original Sound Track 2: Ruins. He didn't know where the music came from (he pilfered the MP3 player from the corpse of a random ghoul he had killed back at the Mozzarella Wal-Mart ), or why it was named after the super secret organization he was a part of, but it was fairly tolerable. At least it wasn't any of that shit the youth were listening to nowadays…like, Simon and Garfunkle. He didn't like them. He _hated_ them. Them _and_ the youth. Misguided bastards. But I digress.

He smacked Seras upside the head and scowled. "We've arrived."

Seras suddenly became serious and nodded. "Aye aye, Master." With that, she kicked the doors open, grabbed Harkonnen and her little lunchbox full of ammo, and jumped out the back. Alucard raised an eyebrow.

"Arrrrr, me 'earties, we've got ghouls to p0wn." He laughed to himself and climbed out, stretching in a most grand manner. Being around seven feet tall plus sitting in a cramped little truck equalled a very uncomfortable Alucard. He looked around to find that they were in front of the local Post Office. "Why am I not surprised?"

"RETREAT!! RUN AWAAAAAY!" Nameless Soldier #1 came running out of the building, flailing his arms about like a child being chased by a swarm of African Killer Bees. A couple silhouettes could be seen through the doorway behind him. One of them was waving its hand around in an almost questioning manner. The ghouls were hot on their tracks and catching up quickly.

"WHAT!? Why didn't anyone TELL me that Project Runway was on!? I LOVE that showAAAUAGHHHGHHGHHHKSJKGLDJIWOSNHGKRISHJRDNJVGNS!" The man was grabbed from behind by the ghouls, which instantly set upon him with their creepy, gross, smelly, yellow, mouldy, randomly protruding, flesh tearing, bone gnawing, disgusting teeth. The other soldier managed to make it outside all right, and slammed the door shut. He rested his back against the door and panted heavily.

"We're going to be all right…the ghouls will _never_ get through the door. Another one of those strange rules."

* * *

On the other side, the ghouls stared glassy-eyed (if they still had eyes) at the door and moaned.

"Guuuh…urhjhjjjhjhwa…gwaaaagh." (Translation: Damnit! We'll never get through that door!)

Another ghoul gurgled in anger. "Uhhhghghhgghh…eergehgher." (Translation: Damn rules!)

With that, the group wandered back into the bowels of the building, plodding around with that gross, sticky sound that zombies make. You know, the same sound your shoes make when you walk on theatre floors.

* * *

Once again, back to the other other side of the door. The outside, if you will. Nameless Soldier #1 and the other survivor, Nameless Soldier #3, made their way over to Alucard.

"So you're Hellsing's secret weapon." Nameless Soldier #1 stated, sizing up Alucard. "You don't look so tough." Alucard looked down at Nameless Soldier #1 (henceforth referred to as N.S. 1) and grinned evilly, sure that his face was tilted in just a way that light would reflect off his sunglasses and make him look all ominous and whatnot. He had become _very_ adept at that. He pulled Casull out and pointed it at the man's forehead, who gulped audibly.

"Oh my GOD! My FOREHEAD is GULPING AUDIBLY!!" With that, the man ran off, screaming and beating at his forehead, which was protesting loudly.

"It was just a dangling modifier, I say! A DANGLING MODIFIER!! STOP BEATING MEEEEE!!"

Slightly put off by what he had just witnessed, Alucard turned to face N.S. 3, wondering what sort of odd thing _he_ would do. Maybe he would turn out to have floating orbs of intense gem-like colors for eyes, or severed hands he would offer to people. _As long as he doesn't offer me a hand, I'm good. I already have one, and there's no tactful way to refuse a severed hand._

"Yeah…we've been under a lot of stress for the last, um, six days." N.S. 3 scratched the back of his head, sniffing a bit in embarrassment. "But that's all over now that you're here. Here're some blueprints to the place." the man passed them over to Alucard, who looked at them in distaste.

"These are just some random doodles on a ketchup-smeared napkin." He noted in disgust. "Besides, I don't _need_ your 'blueprints' to kill ghouls. All I need is Jackal, Casull, and my insatiable lust for blood, death and destruction." N.S. 3 took a couple steps away from Alucard and smiled nervously.

"Yes…well, if I'm not needed here anymore, I believe that I'll be on my way." Alucard was too busy cackling maniacally (as was his custom before any killing occurred) to notice the man turn and run as fast as his legs would carry him. Once again, Seras was forced to ponder exactly how sane her master was.

Not very is all I can say, but coming from me, that statement isn't very credible.

She used Harkonnen to break down the door, then stormed inside to see Alucard already shooting the place up. "Whaaaat!? How did you get in here before me!?"

"There are other ways to get into places besides doors." Alucard answered enigmatically.

"Soooo…you climbed in through the window."

"Bingo." Alucard replied while ripping the head off a ghoul and using it as a bowling ball of sorts to knock down a small group of ghouls that were advancing towards him. "You should try it some time. It's quite convenient."

Seras sighed and looked around. **The door opened up into a small waiting room with a desk against the far wall. Alucard was in the Hall to the North. There is a Door to the East, and the Exit is to the South. What will Seras do?**

"Erm…I'll inspect the Door to the East." Seras said aloud, wondering why she was suddenly in a text-based RPG game. Figuring that the job would get done regardless, she decided to go with the flow…erm, text.

-**You examine the East Door. It is unlocked.**

Seras thought for a moment. _Hmm…Master is already taking care of the Hall, and this is the only other option besides exiting._ Her mind randomly made up without any further thought, she smirked triumphantly.

"I'm going to go through the Door!"

-**You try to go through the door, but end up just running into it and getting a bloody nose. **

Seras stumbled back and swore, pinching her nose to stop the bleeding. "Ack! You know whad I meand! Open da door!"

-**You open the door and find yourself in the sorting room. The wall to your left is full of small cubby holes which are used to sort mail by street addresses. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.**

Seras bit her lip anxiously. "I never _was_ good at these games. Look for signs of disturbances."

-**The room is covered in blood and the parts and organs of numerous Nameless Soldiers. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.**

Gagging, Seras took a couple steps backwards. "Ugh! Why didn't I see that before?"

-**Unrecognized command. There is a Door to the North. The Exit is to the South.**

"Bastard…" Seras grumbled. Sighing, she decided that she really didn't have a choice. "Open the North Door."

-** You open the North Door and see a group of Ghouls feasting on the corpse of a fallen soldier. They haven't seemed to have noticed your presence yet, but there's no telling how long that will last. There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the South.**

"I'm going to blow them up using one of Harkonnen's standard rounds." Seras stated boldly, hoisting Harkonnen up and preparing it for battle by shoving one of the 'red rounds' into the chamber.

-** You shoot a standard round at the Ghouls. They are all destroyed.**

"Yessss!" Seras pumped her fist in triumph.

- **There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the South.**

"Well, there seems to be a trend here. Let's try the door." Seras wandered over and grabbed the door handle.

- **The door is locked. The Exit is to the South.**

Seras cursed under her breath. "Look for the key."

-** You look, but you do not find the Key. There is a Door to the East. The Exit is to the-**

"Yeah yeah, I _get _it!" Seras snapped. "There's a Door to the East and the Exit is to the South!" Seras mocked the text and pranced around the room. "Oooh, I'm the big, bad text! I'm going to repeat directions to you over and over and OVER again!!"

-**FINE! You've made your point! The Key's not here.**

"You'll _give_ me the key," Seras growled dangerously, "or I'll permanently delete your .exe file so you'll never get to play again!"

-**Suddenly the Key falls from the roof and hits you on the head.**

"HEY!" Seras cried out in disdain as a key bonked her on the head then fell to the floor with a metallic clink. "You better watch yourself…" She picked up the key and smiled triumphantly. "Right. Let's go open up that East Door, shall we?"

-** You try to open the Door with the Key, but-**

"_Buuuuuuuuut…_" Seras glared dangerously.

- **But it turned out that the Door wasn't locked after all. It was just jammed. You swing the Door open to find the silhouette of a rather large man walking down a rather dark hall. He is singing a rather odd song and wielding bayonets that rather glint in the rather light. Rather.**

"Wait…isn't that a bit contradictory? He's all shadowy in the _dark _hallway, but his weapons are glinting in the _light_? Where's the verisimilitude in _that_?! That doesn't even make sense!! Where is this light coming from? Do the bayonets have random lights that shine only for them? Why do you keep using the word 'rather'? What's up with WGHHAGHAGHHAAAW!!" Seras was cut off by a blade through the throat. Yet _again._

-**You were ranting on for too long. The man has impaled your throat with one of his bayonets, and you writhe in pain.**

True to word, Seras was indeed writhing in pain.

-**If you don't shut up and leave soon, you're going to die.**

"Exit….South." She managed to choke out he directions, the stumble her way there.

-**You are once again in the mail sorting room.**

"Exit South!"

-**You are back in the entrance. Your master is nowhere to be found, and you can hear the man's footsteps getting closer.**

"EXIT SOUTH!!"

**-You try to exit, but find the way blocked by some sort of Barrier. You look up to find that the walls are lined with sheets of paper that have been tacked there by bayonets.**

Curious, Seras took a closer look to find out what was on those magical sheets of paper. What she saw filler her with terror.

"Oh my lord…it's the script from "The DaVinci Code"!" She let out a horrified scream and stepped back while coughing up a large volume of blood. Faintly, she heard the singing that the text had mentioned earlier.

" '_F' is for friends that do stuff together, 'U' is for you and me! 'N' is for any time, anywhere at all down here in the DEEP BLUE SEEEEEAAAAA!_" There was a slight pause before the singing continued. " _'F' is for friends that do stuff together-_"

"Oh GOD! He doesn't know all the lyrics so he's just going to continually sing the one part he does know!!" Seras clamped her hands over her ears and clenched her eyes as tightly shut as they would go. "It's nothing more than a horrible dream…you're just dreaming…this isn't happening…and when you look down, it'll turn out that you just imagined all that horrible pain, and you're actually not impaled several times by several bayonets that that crazy freak has just thrown at you!" She opened her eyes and looked down to find that she had indeed been impaled multiple times by the man. "WHO ARE YOU!?"

"Are you _stupid_?? How the hell could you _not_ know who I am!? The authoress even said that there was a good chance that I'd show up!"

Seras gasped. "Moonbeam Sunshadow!? Sir Integra loved you! She only traded you off because you were a slow bastard and you didn't win any races!!"

The man scoffed angrily. "I'm not a damn virtual horse, you dense heathen retard!! It's me," The man stepped out of the shadows he had been lurking in to reveal…GASP!! Anderson! Who would have guessed. "Alexander Anderson!" He began to laugh maniacally, which really creeped Seras out.

"Yeah…you do that. MAAAAASTER!! HEEEEELP!!" That last bout of yelling caused her to cough up more blood. "Damn. I hope I don't have to pay for a new uniform."

"Prepare to DIE, you vile night walker!"

"I am NOT a prostitute!" Seras retorted indignantly. "Just because I'm forced to wear this super tight uniform with a mini miniskirt. I can't help it! It was either this or a fish suit!"

Anderson seemed confused. "No…I wasn't calling you a strumpet. You're a vampire; a creature of the night, right? So I was just…eh, you get it." He began chanting some random passages from the Bible or whatever (he was mumbling, so Seras really couldn't tell what the hell he was going on about) and held his bayonets out at the ready. In a brief moment of silence, Alucard came tromping down the hall, covered from head to toe in blood, singing cheerfully.

" _I feel like p0wning n00bs…_" He stopped and looked at the scene before him. "Fledgling almost defeated…magical barrier in place…worst enemy standing there like the tard he is…" A wicked smile spread across Alcuard's face like jelly on a two year old's face after they eat a PB&J. Wait…that wasn't the best comparison ever. Meh. It'll have to do. "This looks like FUN!"

* * *

Integra, who had just gone to bed, snapped to attention and sat up.

"Alucard stupidity senses tingling…" She threw the covers off of her and put on a frumpy purple housecoat, then grabbed her glasses from the side table and put them on while simultaneously picking up the phone and pressing the button used to page Walter in case of 'Alucard Stupidity', which they referred to as Code Stupid. She listened as Walter picked up the phone and yawned.

"What is it, Sir Integra?"

"Code Stupid." Integra said sternly. Walter instantly understood and nodded before hanging up, leaving a baffled Integra on the line with the dial tone.

"Umm…Walter? You there?"

* * *

Alucard and Anderson stood Western Showdown style in the narrow hallway. Alucard had a number of those damned blessed bayonets stuck in his midsection, and Anderson was still regenerating from the wounds Aluard had inflicted with Casull. Anderson was about to dash at Alucard, but stopped in his tracks when his nemesis raised his hand.

"Wait a minute, dude. Time out." Alucard sat down on the floor and took a deep breath. "This is fun and whatnot, but I'm getting tired."

Anderson let out a big sigh as well and sat down also. "Yeah, I know what you mean. I just want to go back to orphanage, have something to eat, then sleep."

"Same here! Except for the orphanage part." Alucard added quickly.

"_Heeeeeeelp…_"

They both looked over at Seras, who was laying on the hardwood floor in a pool of her own blood.

"Man, what's her problem? I didn't get her in the heart!"

Alucard shrugged. "She's a stupid, cowardly wimp."

Seras whimpered at her master's opinion of her.

"_Buuuuut…_ she's _my_ stupid, cowardly wimp, so I guess I should probably go over there and help her. At some point. Maybe."

"Oh, probably." Anderson replied, nodding sagely. "You know what being responsible for little ones is like. Always having to help them with _everything_."

* * *

Integra brushed her teeth as she watched the ground move swiftly under her helicopter. She pulled the toothbrush out of her mouth and spit onto the floor.

"Estimated time of arrival?"

"Two and three quarters minutes, Sir."

"Eeeeeexcellent." Integra tapped the tips of her fingers together. She did that for the two and three quarters minutes it took for them to get to the Goudaville Postal Office. She quickly jumped out of the helicopter and rushed into the building to see Anderson cackling insanely in front of Alucard's stabbed and decapitated body. Apparently, break time ended a while ago. Integra let out a sigh of relief.

"And I was scared that he was going to _hurt_ Alucard. I can be _so_ silly sometimes." She shook her head and chuckled. Anderson noticed her and advanced, still giggling like Chuckles the Insane Serial Killer Clown (not to be mistaken with Stephen King's IT), brandishing his bayonets like a drunk man chasing away a stray dog from his can of beans by using a broken beer bottle. Or a lot like how this authoress brandishes obscure, somewhat clumsy similes. But enough about that.

Integra noticed Anderson advancing towards her and reached for her sword, but came up empty. "Shit…I didn't bring my sword!" Looking around wildly, she decided she would have to improvise, and held up her toothbrush, bristles facing her foe.

Anderson laughed cruelly. "You think that a toothbrush'll save you!?"

Integra smirked smugly. "I just used this, and I haven't had time to wash it." With that, she began to run her fingertip through the bristles, which flicked gross used toothpaste residue at Anderson, who recoiled in disgust.

"EW! That's just _wrong_!" With one last glare, Anderson turn and fled. "I'll get you back for thaaaaaaaat!" He called back as he jumped through a window. Integra gave a weird look in the direction he had just fled, then ripped a sheet of paper off the wall.

"Huh…"The DaVinci Code" script…he set up a barrier so they couldn't escape." She began ripping down the sheets of paper as she walked along the hallway, ignoring all the blood, guts, and other assorted gross things she was treading through. She took a step to her left and felt her foot hit something round and heavy. She gave it a little kick and jumped as it objected loudly, in pain.

"Watch where you're going, Master! Ow! You kicked me in the nose!"

Integra looked down to see Alucard's head laying on the ground, a sour expression on his face.

" A little help here?"

Integra picked his head up and looked into his face. "Well…if this isn't the oddest thing that's ever happened." She tossed his head up in the air and caught it again, pursing her lips. "Why, Alucard, your head is quite heavy! I should have guessed, seeing as how it's chock full of _stupid_, which is quite _dense_." Integra paused. "No pun intended. That would just be in bad taste."

Alucar scoffed. "Ha ha, Master. You're _sooo_ funny I almost forgot to laugh. If your finished now, I'd like it very much if you'd put my head back on my shoulders for me, thank you very much."

"Can't you just turn into bats or insects or something and rejoin yourself?" Integra asked, quite perplexed.

"Oh, yeah…forgot about that for a moment, you know, since it had been so damn LONG since I had a chance to KILL something that could HURT ME BACK!!" Alucard raged, gnashing his teeth angrily before dissolving into little black bats that fluttered around in a dense pack before reforming into a single entity. Alucard dusted himself off and cracked his neck.

"Ah. It feels much better to have my _fat head_ attached once again. It's been a long time since I'd last lost my head." He commented lightly on the situation while fixing the way his hat sat on his head. It always fit a bit funny after he had to regenerate like that.

"Now if you could just regenerate your _sanity_." Integra muttered under her breath.

"What was that?" Alucard asked suspiciously, narrowing his eyes at his master.

"Oh, nothing." Integra looked around the room shiftily, whistling innocently. She wasn't whistling anything in particular, just random notes. Alucard pursed his lips angrily.

"Fine. Whatever." He looked around. "Hey…where did Police Girl go?"

* * *

-**Please stop! The PAIN! AUGH!**

"Take THAT, bitch!" Seras continued to beat the ever-loving shit out of the text-based game. "EXIT TO THE SOUTH!! EXIT TO THE SOUTH!! AAAAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!"

* * *

Yeah…I haven't the slightest clue why I went with that 'text-based adventure game' style bit. In case you haven't noticed yet, everything I write is just kinda off the top of my head. Heh heh…yeah. Maybe it's not the best idea, but it works out somewhat all right in the end. Well, relatively speaking, anyhow. I didn't make Anderson as crazy in this one because, and I can admit it, I was too damned lazy. Meh. That's all I'm gonna say about this one. Comments? Complaints? Random non-sensical babble? Why, then leave me a review!

DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything I have mentioned. They are all the properties of their respectful owners. Forgiving owners. Magnanimous owners. And so on.

NEXT TIME: It's the Surprise Chapter! I'm not going to tell you anything about what's going to happen, mostly because I haven't the slightest idea!! Needless to say, it'll probably be more nonsense and crazy, retarded situations. Uhhh…TUNE IN NEXT TIME!!


	5. Family Game Night

**The Hellsing 'Institution'**

Chapter Five: Family Game Night

Thank you all for your wonderful reviews and suggestions! There were two very good points made, and I shall do my best to address them. I'm going to try my best to not get wordy (no promises there, unfortunately) and to avoid getting too deep. Anyhows, on with the story!

* * *

Integra signed on the last dotted line with a flourish, then slammed her pen down onto the desk with glee.

"Thank _god_ there isn't much paperwork to do for Nameless Soldier deaths or I'd be here until the sun finally gave out, imploded and caused a black hole that would suck the entire solar system out of existence." She flopped back into her chair and ran her hand through her hair while looking at a clock on the wall. "It only took me twelve hours." She whistled. "That has got to be a new record." It was five to ten, which meant any moment now Alucard and Seras would come tromping up to her office to find out what the night had in store for them. True enough, a few minutes later Integra could hear Seras gabbing on to her master about last night's events.

"So I said 'Go through the door!' and the stupid thing gave me a nosebleed! You'd think it wouldn't take things so literally, but it did! I'm thinking about suing. I heard it's the latest fad in North America!"

Alucard opened the doors to Integra's office forcefully and stormed in, obviously not enjoying the light chit-chat. Luckily for him, Seras shut up as soon as she entered the office and sat down quietly. Alucard went to hang out in his usual shady corner.

Integra got up and walked to the window so she could check up on her garden. Satisfied that everything was still in place, she gazed up into the clear sky and admired the stars.

"It is a nice night, wouldn't you agree?"

Seras was hesitant to answer. "Um, I suppose it is." She gave Integra a weird look. _Is she on opium again?_

Integra sighed. "There are no missions for you tonight. Therefore," Integra spun to face the two. "I have decided that we are to have a game night."

Alucard balked at the proposition. "You can't be serious, Master!"

"I am." Integra replied icily. "And you _will_ participate. In order for us to act as an effective and cohesive team, we need to make an effort to get to know each other better." She looked pointedly at Seras, who continued to be cheerfully oblivious.

Alucard scowled deeply. "Yes, Master." With his luck, they were going to play something stupid like Candyland or, heaven forbid, the game of Life. He shuddered at the thought.

"SQUEEEE!!" Seras squealed in excitement. "I know the BEST games we should play! How about Candyland or the game of Life!? I LOVE those games!!" She jumped to her feet and did a little, slightly awkward happy dance. Integra and Alucard exchanged glances before sneering at Seras.

"No! I have taken the liberty of preparing a list of games that would be suitable." Integra pulled a sheet of paper and handed it to Seras.

Seras wrinkled her nose in disdain. "These are all old people games! Canasta? Bridge? Cribbage? Boggle!?" She snorted angrily. " All these games are _booooring!_ We should play something fun, like Go Fish, or Crazy Eights!"

Integra snatched the list away from Seras, who opened and closed her hands spastically in the realization that there was no longer anything in them.

"How about lawn darts?" Alucard piped up, only to have Integra hurl a book at his head. He easily dodged it and grinned. "You'd be good at it, Master." Integra huffed angrily.

"Next time I throw a book at your head, I order you _not _to dodge it." With that out of the way, Integra continued on with the matter at hand. " Childish board and card games are out of the question."

Walter suddenly strode into the room, a small bundle of papers held in the crook of his elbow. "Mail is in, Sir Integra." With that, he plopped the papers on her desk and began sifting through them.

"_Why_ are you getting the mail at this hour?" Integra inquired, quirking an eyebrow angrily.

"I'm very sorry, but I just got around to doing it. It's been a very hectic day." As if to prove his point, Walter wiped his forehead with the back of his hand and smiled apologetically. " It's better late then never, or so I've heard." He flicked some loose tendrils of hairs out of his face and put on a sparkling smile as the background changed to a soft pink hue with rose petals blowing gently by, and the light filter was increased by one hundred percent, giving everything a dreamy glow. Walter fan girls everywhere screamed in joy and swooned. Just as suddenly as it had changed, everything went back to normal and Walter continued to sort the mail, earning strange and disturbed looks from everyone else in the room.

"That…was slightly unnerving." Integra commented warily. Walter shrugged in reply. He held up a large envelope, sealed with wax, that had 'Not A Bomb' written in blood on the front. Integra took it gently from Walter and examined the address on the front.

"Ugh. It's from the _Iscariots_." Everyone spit on the floor. "What should we do, Walter?"

He backed away a couple of steps, holding his hands in front of him. "I don't want _anything _ to do with that, Miss Hellsing. It's not my job to make decisions."

" I see. Well…just because it's not a bomb doesn't mean it couldn't be something like anthrax." With a shrug, Integra threw the creepy letter into a nearby garbage can and looked at rest of the mail herself. "Bill…bill…lawsuit-" She handed that one to Walter. "…bill…oh, this one's for you Walter. Bill…World Vision…bill…how many goddamned bills do we get!? Bill bill bill…eugh. Junk mail, credit card bill, junk, junk, junk- how did all these people get this address??"

Seras fidgeted uncomfortably in her seat and decided not to mention anything about all those items she ordered over the internet.

"Oh my, how wonderful!" Walter exclaimed. "It would seem that my good friend Takeshi Kaga will be hosting an Iron Chef battle here in London, and we're invited!"

"As one of those people who get to taste all the food, or as one of the people who get to watch?" Seras asked, jumping up and down with excitement. She had watched that show ever since she was a little girl! Iron Chef Chen Kenichi was her favourite because he always seemed so jolly.

"Oh NO!" Integra shook her head vehemently. " No no no no NO! We are NOT going there again! No, never, no no _NO_!"

Seras pouted. "Why? What happened last time?"

Walter adjusted his monocle and, with a small sigh, related the story to the newest member of Hellsing.

"Well, you see Miss Victoria…"

--Flashback--

Integra, Walter and Alucard watched with unenthused stares as Chairman Kaga unveiled the secret ingredient for that day's battle.

"Since we were sure what the challenger's specialty was, we decided to choose the ingredient by random selection. We unveil the ingredients!" Chairman Kaga grabbed the heavy black cloth that was covering the ingredient and grinned. With a flourish, he whipped the cloth off; unfortunately, he flourished a little too much and the cloth whacked him soundly in the face, causing him to stumble backwards and fall down a set of nearby stairs. The audience gasped and a loud voice from the back called out angrily.

"CUT!!" The director smacked his face with his hand. "Okay, somebody get him fixed up and then let's take it from the top. And this time, a little less flourish, _please_."

The kitchen buzzed with worried chatter as interns rushed down to help Kaga to his feet. They brushed the dust off his clothes and made sure he hadn't broken anything before escorting him back up the steps and replacing the cloth over the ingredient (which still couldn't be seen anyway). With a last minute check to ensure that everything was in place, they rushed back to the sound booth. Interga leaned towards Walter and gave him a nudge.

"Does that _always_ happen?"

Walter chuckled. "Chairman Kaga has always been…exuberant."

Integra gave a small shrug before standing straight again. The countdown was made and the scene began anew.

Kaga cleared his throat and began. "We unveil the ingredients!" The whipped the cloth off without a hitch. "KITTENS!"

Everyone gasped then broke out into polite applause. Integra watched as the platform rose to reveal piles upon piles of kittens. Her eye began to twitch slightly.

------

"WAIT A MINUTE!" Seras exclaimed, cutting Walter off. "You're trying to tell me that they had a _kitten_ battle!? You're lying!"

"She's right." Alucard commented. "It was _puppies_, not kittens."

"Ah, yes, that's correct." Walter sighed. "It seems that I'm not remembering things correctly in my old age."

"Puh…puh…_puppies_??" Tears were welling up in Seras' eyes.

Integra rolled her eyes. "It was Kraft Dinner. Now, if you'd continue." She motioned to Walter, who complied.

"She had to go and _ruin_ it…" Alucard muttered darkly.

--------

Walter made his way to the platform covered in boxes of KD in a dignified manner that only he could pull off as normal behaviour. He glanced over the presented selection before choosing five nice looking boxes. They were some of the only ones that didn't have dented corners. He grabbed them and set them in the provided metal tray before walking back down to his side of the kitchen, closely followed by a cameraman and a commentator, who began commenting. Already.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"It seems the challenger has taken five boxes and is now returning to his side of the kitchen!"

"Uh…thanks for that." Fukui replied, slightly confused as to why that would warrant commentary. "Anyway…I'm excited for this battle, aren't you, miss?"

"Why yes, I am!" The young Japanese actress sitting beside him replied, tittering from behind her hand. "And I'm excited about what delicious dished these conte…contes…"

"Just sound the word out." The man holding up the cue cards cooed. "You can do it."

"Con-test-ants. Contestants! I'm excited about what delicious dishes these _contestants_ will cook up, even though my manager says I have to throw them all up afterwards so I stay skinny!"

"Just stick to the cue cards, dear." Dr. Hattori, another commentator, whispered to the actress, who tittered yet again in reply. Walter rolled his eyes as he began to rip the boxes open, the kitchen reporter still hounding him and spewing forth obvious commentaries.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"The challenger's friend in the red coat has issued this statement: 'Piss off or I'll eat your face!'"

"Well, you better watch yourself then, Ohta-san!" The panel chuckled for no apparent reason. "I hope he does eat your face off…" The panel looked at Hattori quizzically, who continued to grumble darkly.

"Fukui-san! I'm over at the Iron Chef's side, and he says he's going to try to create a Kraft Dinner sorbet using over-cooked noodles, vanilla extract, obscene amounts of sugar, and shark fin!"

"Ah! Always with the shark fin!"

The actress wrinkled her nose in distaste. "That doesn't sound very appetizing."

----

"Are you going to tell me _everything_ they said? Because this is starting to get boring." Seras yawned and scratched the back of her head to illustrate her point. "I could be asleep and dreaming of that sexy Sicilian dude in that new pizza commercial."

Alucard hissed in disapproval. "Let Walter tell the story, Police Girl!" He grinned. "I can't wait until you get to the part where I-"

"Sh!" Walter cut Alucard off by clapping a hand over his mouth. "If Miss Victoria is finding this boring, I'll simply skip ahead to the interesting part. Now, where was I…"

---

"Thirty minutes have elapsed."

Walter paused and surveyed his side of the kitchen. Everything was going according to his plan. The casserole was almost finished, the soup was simmered to perfection, and his secret surprise dish was coming along better than anticipated. All that Kraft Dinner experience he accumulated back in his Nazi killing days sure did come in handy. In a gesture of friendliness and good sportsmanship, he gave his opponent, Iron Chef Chen Kenichi, a friendly wave. Suddenly, floor reporter Ohta was in his face again, waving his microphone around like a lunatic. He wasn't even talking _to_ Walter, just in front of him.

"Fukui-san!"

"Go ahead!"

"The challenger seems to have taken a small break and gave Iron Chef Kenichi a friendly wave!"

Everyone cringed as a bloodthirsty howl echoed through the stadium. Alucard materialized in front of the reported, and with a sadistic grin, grabbed the man by the collar and hoisted him up about four feet. The man clutched Alucard's wrist with one hand and his microphone in the other.

"Fukui-san!"

"Uh…go ahead."

"It would seem that the challenger's friend is about to go through with his previous threat and eat my face! Tell my wife and children I love them!"

"Yeah…I'll do that, Ohta-san."

Alucard then proceeded to rip the man's face off.

"AHHH! This REALLY hurts! Oh my GOD! My face is gone!! I can't see through all the BLOOD!!" The reporting continued until Alucard dropped Ohta to the ground and walked back to his seat in the stands. He sat down beside Integra (who looked none too pleased), crossed his legs in a comfortable fashion, and picked at his teeth with a blood-stained toothpick. Ohta laid face down in a small pool of his own blood, twitching occasionally. Paramedics wheeled in a gurney, loaded him up, and wheeled out. Shortly after, the janitor came and cleaned up the mess. The show continued on like nothing had happened.

Needless to say, there was a lot less commentary, and a lot more nervous glances in Alucard's direction.

---

"You didn't _really_ do that, did you Master?" Seras asked, slightly shaken-up.

Alucard laughed. "Of course I did! Why do you think they never show his face?"

Seras whimpered.

---

It was judgement time. Walter wheeled out his five dishes, and with a slight bow and no explanation, served them. Alucard stood slightly behind Walter, his usual disconcerting grin on his face. The judges all ate and smiled until their cheeks hurt.

"Mmm…yes, this is delicious!" The actress giggled. "I've never had such good casserole. What kind of cheese is this?"

Walter smiled. "Mozzarella."

The actress paused. "I've never heard of that!"

Everyone in the room rolled their eyes and shook their heads in exasperation. Walter's soup and special dish (which turned out to be a soufflé of some sort. It was labelled a 'miracle') went over just as well, and the actress made her way to the washroom in lieu of the Iron Chef's dishes.

Kenichi's dishes were presented after his lengthy speech about his inspiration, ingredients, his pet cat's health, and world politics. The other guest, What's-His-Face, nodded in satisfaction as he tasted the Iron Chef's first dish, a macaroni stir fry of some sort.

"Wow! This dish is really good!" What's-His-Face looked up as Alucard cracked his knuckles loudly, and gulped. " But it has too much salt for my taste."

The rest of the tasting went on like this, and finally, it was time for the announcement of 'who's cuisine reigned supreme.' Kaga made a nice little spiel, summarizing the events and praising both chefs and blah blah blah, until he finally pulled out the envelope with the scores from the dark depths of his cloak. Everyone held their breath in anticipation as he struggled to open it.

"Okay, WHO licked the envelope!? Come on people! That's just _gross_!" An intern ran up and handed him a letter opener. "Thank you, nameless intern. Now, for the results." The tense piano music rang through the kitchen as Kaga sliced open the envelope and tossed the knife carelessly over his shoulder. He pulled out the small sheet of paper, raised his eyebrows, and nodded in agreement. He noticed that the music was still playing, so he looked around the room nonchalantly and winked at the actress, who swooned. After a couple of music-filled minutes, everyone was shifting uneasily in their seats and whispering amongst themselves. Kaga looked up at the sound booth and made a slashing motion at his throat. Strange thumps were heard coming from the sound booth, along with a fleeting, strangled yell, then everything went silent. Kaga took a deep breath.

"Challenger Walter Dornez!"

The stadium erupted into cheers. Streamers and balloons fell from the roof (most of which said things like 'Happy Birthday' or 'Happy Anniversary', but nobody was really looking). Walter wrinkled his nose in distaste and flicked some confetti off his shoulders. Chen Kenichi came over, and they bowed to each other repeatedly. Integra held a parasol over her head to protect herself from the falling confetti, and Alucard sat slouched, his arms crossed, glowering at nothing in particular. The credits rolled.

----------

Seras gasped in awe. "Wow! You beat Iron Chef Chen Kenichi!?"

Walter shrugged. "There were some complaints from third person parties that the judges were pressured to vote in my favour, but the verdict was never changed."

Both Alucard and Walter chuckled. Integra sighed and rolled her eyes.

"He forgot to mention that kitchen reporter Ohta tried to sue." Integra snapped. "And the only reason we won was due to the fact that the judge accepted Alucard's insanity plea and said he couldn't be held accountable for his actions. Mostly due to Alucard's ability to control people's minds."

"You know," Seras put her finger to her chin in thought. "I vaguely remember seeing something about that on the news years ago." The room was silent for a few moments. "So…are we going to play Candyland or what??"

" No." Integra stated in a tone that put any positive speculation to eternal rest. "We're not playing Candyland and we're not going to the Iron Chef battle. Not even as spectators." Everyone let out a complaining groan. "That's _final_. Now…" Integra checked her watch. "We've managed to waste two hours already and I'm not planning to stay up all night with you freaks, so let's choose a game and get this over with."

"I have a suggestion." Walter stepped forward. "How about a short game of Charades?"

Approving glances were exchanged, and Integra nodded in consent. "Very well. That sounds quite enjoyable."

Walter fetched the Charades game from a random corner of the mansion and pulled out the hefty box of cards. "Right. You pick one, then you act out whatever is on it and everyone else tries to guess the idea that your flailings are supposed to be conveying."

Seras elected to go first. She pulled a small purple card from the box and stared at it incredulously. "How on God's green earth am I supposed to act THIS out!?" With an aggravated sigh, she slammed the card down on the table and walked to a cleared part of the room. The other three sat in chairs facing her, as opposed to standing and facing away from her, which really wouldn't be conducive to the game. Seras cleared her throat, then held up four fingers.

"Four words?" Integra raised an eyebrow as Seras nodded and proceeded to mimic cranking an old-style film…thingy. "And it's a movie."

Seras took a moment to compose herself, then began to jump around the room, flailing one of her arms around wildly. She jumped up onto Integra's desk and continued.

"Hmm…it looks like she's duelling someone." Walter commented. Seras nodded vehemently but motioned that there was more. When Walter shrugged, she huffed and went back to her flailing. She looked around and found a globe. She snatched it and pointed to an area.

"It has something to do with Russia?" Integra asked quizzically. Seras glanced down at the globe and blushed slightly before turning it a bit and pointing somewhere else. "Oh. The Caribbean." Seras nodded, hucked the globe over her shoulder (Walter managed to catch it before it fell to the floor and shattered) and began with her duelling motions again. She continued to jump around the room, then paused and hold up a crooked finger. She sneered and put one foot up on a nearby chair.

"Pirate?" Alucard guessed, glancing at her over the top of his glasses. Seras nodded, a wide grin on her face.

"Oh, I get it. Peter Pan." Integra grinned. "You're Peter."

Seras scowled and held up four fingers again.

"Pirates of the Caribbean." Walter stated, rather matter-of-factly. Seras took her foot off the chair and cheered.

"Yaay!! You got it! It's your turn now!" She trotted over and plopped down into the seat previously occupied by Walter. Walter had already picked a card.

"Ah. This should be easy."

The others watched in anticipation, Integra doing much of the talking.

"Ah…an animal. Hmm…" Walter held his arms close to his side and flapped his hands a bit while waddling around.

"A CAT!" Everyone stopped and stared at Seras, who sunk lower into her chair while turning a deep hue of crimson. "It was only a guess."

"A penguin, you ninny!" Integra glared at Seras and huffed. "How could you possibly think he was imitating a cat?!"

"Well, I'm _sorry_ for thinking outside the _box_." Seras spat back, crossing her arms.

"More like thinking outside the realm of _intelligence_ on any level." Integra grumbled while getting up and grabbing a card. She sighed at her luck and flicked it to the ground. Walter took her spot and watched as Integra communicated the beginning information.

"One word. A movie." They watched as Integra held her arm up ad across the bottom half of her face, like someone holding a cape would. She then bit her arm and stared intently at Alucard, who seemed either clueless or catatonic. She stomped her foot loudly and glared at Alucard as he flinched slightly and looked around as if dazed.

"I know! A cannibalistic matador!" Seras piped up. Integra shook her head angrily. Walter patted the young girl on the shoulder.

"It's a movie with one word in the title, but nice try."

Alucard rolled his eyes. "Let me guess, Master. The reason you're glaring at me so intently is because the movie is 'Dracula.' Am I correct?"

Integra nodded and sat down again after shooing Alucard over to the cards. Alucard grumbled darkly and gnashed his teeth as he read his card. He crumpled it up, chewed on it, then spit it onto the floor before standing in front of his compatriots.

"It's an animal." Seras stated, then watched as Alucard began to jump around the room. Everyone stifled their giggles, which earned death-glares from Alucard.

"A kangaroo?"

"Maybe a lemur."

"A KITTEN!! It _has_ to be a kitten this time!"

"A frog?"

Alucard stopped jumping and snarled angrily.

"A bunny!!" Seras screeched happily. "You're a bunny! I'd recognize that evil bunny snarl anywhere!" Once again, everyone looked at Seras strangely. "What!?"

"You got something right for once, Police Girl." Alucard stated as he shoved her out of her chair and sat down heavily. "Now it's your turn."

---------------------------------Five Hours Later------------------------------------

Seras whimpered and looked at the others. "We've been doing this for _five_ hours! Can't we stop?"

"NO!" Integra and Alucard objected simultaneously while exchanging feral glares.

"This will be the last one, Miss Victoria. Whomever guesses this correctly wins." Walter sighed as he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I can't believe they managed ruin Charades."

Seras glanced from her master to her master's master, then back to her master. She bit her lip and glanced anxiously at the card once again. _This one's a doozy…_ With a deep breath, she began. She held her splayed hands up to the sides of her head and began to strut around, lips pursed and eyes crossed. She paused once in awhile to scrape at the floor with her foot and wiggle her behind.

"What the _hell _is _that?_" Integra sneered, thoroughly perplexed. Seras continued to strut around the room for ten more minutes before throwing her hands up in frustration.

"I'm a fruit fly!! Ugh! You both _suck_!" Seras snorted angrily, flipped them the bird, then stormed out. The room was silent.

"How the _hell_ did she think that was a _fruit fly?_" Alucard asked, slightly disturbed at Seras' stupidity. Integra shrugged in reply.

"As leader of the Hellsing organization, I declare myself the winner. You're dismissed, servant." Integra waved flippantly at Alucard, who hissed angrily in defeat.

"Yes…._master._" he snarled derisively before disappearing into the shadows. Integra adjusted her glasses and stood.

"I'm going to bed, Walter. I'll see you in the morning." Walter gave her a small bow and watched as she stalked off. Shrugging, he went to his quarters and fired up his Xbox 360 to see if there were any interesting GOW multiplayer matches he could join.

* * *

Seras was still grumbling angrily as she flung herself into her coffin. She laid down, arms crossed, and mulled angrily over the night's events.

"Stupid bastards couldn't recognize a fruit fly if it bit them on the ZZZZZZZZZ." Seras had the unfortunate habit of falling asleep midway through a sentence. Too bad for her. Little did she know that she was about to have the freakiest dream of her undead life. If that makes any sense at all.

* * *

Ha HA! Finally finished this chapter! I actually had some trouble with this one, which you probably noticed. It's not as funny as I had hoped it would be, but the next one is going to be fun! Expect to see characters I haven't mentioned yet. Here's to hoping you know the characters from Millennium and Iscariot (appearances pending). If not…eh. Google 'em. Cheers!

As per usual, please review. Constructive criticism is more than welcome. It's very welcome; or, as I like to say, _verelcome. _Yeah.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Hellsing, Kraft Dinner, Charades, Iron Chef, or anything else I mentioned. I love Iron Chef, and I'm quite ticked at the fact that they're no longer airing it on the Food Network. DAMN THEM!! -shakes fist violently-

NEXT CHAPTER: Seras in Wonderland! (seriously hoping that, if this has been done before, mine's nothing like the ones that have been done before. -crosses fingers- I'm not about to check, either. Much too lazy, and I don't want to read one and then inadvertently steal things from it, because that would suck on so many levels.)


	6. Pretty Bangles!

HA! I bet you people thought this story was DEAD'ED! Well, it's not. I'm just incredibly lazy, not to mention the fact that, for a while there, it seemed like this story kinda ran into a brick wall. So now I'm attempting to pull an Alucard and just _phase through_ the wall, hopefully ending up in a better place. Preferably one with candy. Especially cinnamon candy. That's the one thing I like about Valentine's Day- cinnamon hearts. Mmmm…

Oh, and I changed my mind about the Seras in Wonderland thing. I had ideas for that, but that was, like, _so _last year. Literally. It was last year. So now I'm just gonna pull something out of my ass, per usual. Le sigh.

* * *

Integra sat stiffly in her chair, her forearms resting heavily on the polished desk before her, her hands clenched into tight fists. Standing before her desk were two men; one was short and pudgy, the other was tall and skinny. They both wore expensive black suits and white gloves, carried glossy mahogany canes, and sported black bowler hats. They both removed their hats momentarily while they made sweeping bows toward Integra, who scowled in response.

They were _bad news_.

Integra knew three things about these men:

1) One was short and fat while the other was tall and skinny.

2) They worked for her majesty, the Queen.

3) They were mimes.

_Bloody mimes._

She_hated_ mimes.

…_MIMES!!_

Integra lit up a cigar and watched with half-lidded eyes as the short fat one (who shall, from this point on, be referred to as 'Jimmy') pretended to smoke a cigar and adjusted his imaginary glasses. Integra rolled her eyes and sneered, indicating that she understood that he was pretending to be her. He then mimed pulling himself along a rope. The tall skinny one (who we shall call Timmy) pretended to watch in amazement. Jimmy made his way to the end of the 'rope', where he mimed finding a noose. Timmy faked a gasp. Jimmy took the noose and put it around his neck. Timmy's eyes went wide with fear and concern. Jimmy pretended to jump off something, and then immediately pretended to hang to death. Timmy crossed himself while shaking his head sadly, but suddenly shrugged nonchalantly and pretended to meander off, smiling and waving to people. Integra clapped unenthusiastically.

"Bravo, men. Now, why don't you do it again, except with a _real_ noose? Don't worry about fastening it to the roof. I know someone who would be all too happy to hold it up there for you."

The mimes gave Integra the finger, both scowling angrily. Integra chuckled while quickly taking a photo of them with her cell phone. "I'm sure the Queen would love to see _this_. Wouldn't you agree?"

Timmy and Jimmy shook their heads vehemently. Integra smiled coldly.

"Well then, if that's what you want, I suggest you either tell me why you've sullied this place with your presence, or keep the damage to a minimum and get the hell out of this establishment."

Jimmy rolled his eyes in an exaggerated manner, then rooted through his pockets until he found a letter. He tossed it onto Integra's desk before they both gave her a mocking bow. Integra picked up the letter, lightly chewing on her cigar.

"Walter, would you escort those two to the door, please?"

Walter appeared in the doorway, a malicious, yet exceedingly polite, smile on his face. "By 'escort' do you mean 'escort', or_'escort'_?"

Timmy and Jimmy looked at each other nervously as Integra pondered this for a moment.

"Not 'escort' or '_escort'_…I mean _**'escort'**_." She gave Walter a hard look over the rims of her glasses.

Walter's smiled widened. "Yes, Sir Integra!" He took a step back so he was almost completely shrouded in shadows. He looked a bit like a one-eyed Cheshire cat with his monocle shining malevolently and his teeth, which were exceptionally pearly white, reflecting the light as well. "If you'll just come with me, then."

The two mimes hugged each other as Walter began to laugh maniacally, grabbing one of their arms each and forcibly dragging them along, shutting the door behind him with a kick. She sat for a few moments in silence before smiling gleefully as she heard two angered yells followed by the front doors slamming shut. Satisfied that _that_ was over and done with, Integra began to attempt to unfold the letter.

"Who the _hell_ thought it was a good idea to fold this thing into a_crane_!?" She blew some stray strands of hair out of her face as she struggled with the thing. She then found her hands completely empty, and it took her a moment to realize that Alucard had materialized through her desk, grabbing the crane from her on the way. She huffed angrily and narrowed her eyes at him as he sat on her desk and calmly unfolded the piece of paper, completely ignoring her. He handed it back to her, grinning.

"And how are you today, master?"

She took a deep, calming breath. "You know very well how I _am_." She hissed, rummaging through her desk. "Frankly, I've had it up to _here_ with you." She pointed to her neck, then reconsidered it as Alucard's grin widened and pointed to a space about a foot above her head. His smile fell as she pulled something out of one of the drawers, smirking triumphantly. "Give me your hand."

He looked suspicious, but held his hand out to her. She grabbed it and closed a metal bracelet around his wrist, grinning even wider now. He pulled his hand back from her grasp and looked at it boredly.

"What's this, master?" He held his arm out and examined it. "It really doesn't go with my outfit."

Integra chuckled. "Yeah, you think it's funny now. Try to take it off."

He looked at her for a moment before reaching for it. His other hand was stopped inches from the trinket by some invisible force. He stared at it hard for a minute before trying again, this time with more gusto. Once again, he failed. He shook his hand around for a while, then stopped and stared at the bracelet. It just looked like a copper piece of junk!

"What is this!?" He began clawing at the field- an act which was, inevitably, an exercise in futility. Integra was still smiling.

"Something I found a while ago and wanted to try out. Don't bother attempting to remove it. It's been enchanted so that only I can remove it."

Alucard scowled angrily. "Is that all then, _master_?" He spat bitterly. Oddly enough, Integra seemed to be greatly amused by this.

"Yes, it is. On your way."

Alucard jumped off her desk and made his way to the nearest wall. It was all well and good until he tried to pull the bracelet through. It refused to phase through, letting out a small thud as it collided solidly with the wall, preventing his hand from following the rest of him. Integra burst out laughing at the sight of Alucard's hand sticking out of the wall, spastically twitching in anger and the effort he was making to pull it through. It stopped for a moment, then slid down the wall and across the floor until it thumped heavily against the door. Integra was doubled over in laughter and having troubles watching through the tears of mirth forming in her eyes. She wiped them away and watched as his hand knocked on the door and quickly moved to the side. The door handle turned and the door swung open to reveal a thoroughly confused Seras, probably wondering why the hell someone from inside the room was knocking to have the door opened. She peered in meekly and gazed at Integra.

"Um, are you all ri-AUGH!" She jumped as Alucard's hand bumped into her foot, then adjusted its course and moved down along the hall, eventually disappearing around a corner after running into the wall. Seras clutched at her chest, her eyes still wide with surprise and fear. "When the hell did we start hiring from the Addams Family!?"

Integra used her desk as leverage as she heaved herself back into her chair, gasping for air and still giggling occasionally. She took her glasses off and wiped the lenses with her coat.

"First off, the hand in Addams Family is named Thing. Secondly, it runs on its fingers, not on its wrist." Integra put her glasses back on, then sniffed. "What smells like smoke?"

Seras looked at the floor to Integra's left. "Well, it could be that fire right there."

Integra's head whipped over sideways, and she regarded the fire for a moment. "Hmm…yes. That's a definite possibility. You might want to do something about that."

Seras sighed, walked over, and stomped the fire out. She picked up a cigar butt that had somehow survived and held it out towards Integra. "Investigation is complete! It is the opinion of this forensic officer that this was the source of the fire, Sir Integra."

Integra blinked and took the blackened cigar butt from her. "That's a possibility." She placed the butt in her ashtray and lit up another. "Do you need something?"

"Uh, no ma'am. I was just walking by when I heard someone knock on that door." She briefly glanced at the door again. "You still haven't told me what that was all about, either."

"Oh, it was Alucard." Integra waved a hand flippantly while puffing on her cigar. Seras winced.

"He's not going to be in a good mood tonight, is he?"

"No, he's not." Integra paused for a moment, her brows knit with thought. "Why are you two up, anyway? It's hardly early evening!"

"Yeah, well, one of the new recruits thought it would be nifty to cook up some garlic coated pasta and some garlic toast to go with it, and the smell is _everywhere_." Seras crinkled her nose. "It's_disgusting_. It makes it impossible to sleep, so I figured I'd take a little walk and enjoy the art you have."

"Feel free to do that any time." Integra said cheerily before adding under her breath, "You could sure use the culture."

"What was that!?" Seras suspiciously eyed Integra, who just sat back and sighed in response.

"I didn't say anything. Now, if we're _done_ here, I have work to do." Integra smoothed out the letter, which she had been clutching in her right hand the entire time. She then made a show of leaning over so her face was absurdly close to the letter. "Ah! Look how busy I am!" She pointed toward the door. Seras pouted unhappily before stalking out of the room, grumbling under her breath, and slammed the door shut behind her. Integra cringed as she heard wood crack, and rested her head in her hands as she heard Seras call back.

"Sorry!"

With a sigh, Integra forced herself to look at the letter. It couldn't get any worse, could it?

_Dear Sir Integra Hellsing:_

_My dear, how are you? I am fine. Getting bunions in my old age, but I suppose that should be expected._

Integra crinkled her nose in distaste and continued reading.

_Well, I was checking my calendar just last week and figured that it's been simply too long since we've had tea and crumpets. I do enjoy spending tea time with you and that strapping young lad. What's his name? He always wears the long red coat and has that shaggy black hair. It must be the 'in' style for the youngsters nowadays. I don't know. I don't understand it at all. What happened to having your hair cut in a respectable fashion and having it combed? I hardly see anyone like that anymore. It makes me a bit sad to think of it. I suppose that's why it would be a lovely idea to have tea! Just make sure to bring that strapping young lad along! What was his name? Oh, never mind. I think I've said this already. Yes, I have! Silly me! Anyhow, just show up at around four o'clock tomorrow, and feel free to bring some finger sandwiches or some other goodies. And that strapping young lad! What's his name? I think it begins with an 'A'. Hm._

_Yours Truly,_

_The Freaking Queen of Bloody England!_

The Freaking Queen of Bloody England had drawn a happy face under her signature, and sketched a stick man with a long coat coloured in with read crayon, along with scribbled shaggy black hair on the stickman's abnormally large head. There was a line pointing to it, which said 'What is his name?'. Integra sighed and shook her head slowly.

"I think she's becoming a bit senile…"

* * *

Walter entered his quarters and flipped on the lights. He sighed tiredly when he saw Alucard sitting in the middle of the floor, glaring at his own wrist. "Is something wrong, master Alucard?" 

Alucard peered up at Walter through the locks of hair that had fallen across his face and held out his arm, pointing at the copper bracelet. "Get this off of me."

Walter examined the bracelet. "Hmm…where'd you get this? It really doesn't match your outfit at all."

"Master put it on me." Alucard growled, his eyes narrowed. "Get it off."

Walter took a step backwards and held his hands up in apology. "I'm sorry, but if Sir Integra put it on you, I'm afraid that I cannot remove it. She's just as much _my_ master as she is _yours_."

Alucard was seething with rage. He stood up, stomped around the room a bit in a grand display of anger, then proceeded out the door. Walter watched after him for a moment before shrugging his shoulders and turning on his Xbox 360 and picking up a guitar controller for some good old Guitar Hero.

Integra was finishing up some long outstanding paperwork when Walter entered the room purposefully. He stopped in front of her desk and cleared his throat loudly. Integra paused and looked up at him over the rims of her glasses, which was a feat, considering how large her glasses are.

"…come in, Walter."

Walter rolled his eyes and sighed. "Sir Integra, I have to ask a favor of you."

Integra set her pen down and sat up straight from her hunched paperwork position, clasping her hands together and resting them on the surface of her desk. Walter, asking for a favor? What the hell could it be?

"What is it, Walter?"

"Well…"

_FLASHBACK_

Walter was happily playing Guitar Hero on his little t.v. He was playing one of the hardest songs, on expert, and was just about to finish it when Alucard came in, still peeved about the whole refusing to remove the bracelet thing. Without so much as a glance at Walter, Alucard snatched Walter's precious Xbox, dropkicked it across the room, and stalked out through the door, which was pulled off its hinges as Alucard continued down the hall. Walter was left holding his guitar controller, staring blankly at where his beloved game system had been on its shelf, still in shock. The scraping sounds of Alucard dragging the door behind him slowly faded down the hall.

_THAT'S ALL FOR THE FLASHBACK_

Integra blinked. "When did this all happen?"

"It can't have been more than two minutes ago."

She nodded in response and lit up a cigar, reclining back into her chair. "So what do you want from me? I can beat him with a silver candelabra, if you want."

Walter shook his head vehemently. "No, no! I want you to remove that bracelet you put on him!"

Integra nodded and smiled warmly. "Not a chance in hell." She sighed as Walter's jaw dropped open. "Look, he's been getting on my nerves constantly, so now I'm teaching him a lesson. Like when a cat scratches your furniture, you taser it."

Walter pinched the bridge of his nose and clenched his eyes shut. "Remember what happened the last time you tasered a cat?"

"It died." Integra replied matter-of-factly. "It took a while for that burnt hair smell to go away, too, if I remember correctly."

"Yes, you do."

There was silence. Integra blinked slowly. "I don't get what the point of that anecdote was."

Walter simply shrugged. "You're the one who brought it up."

"True." Integra ground the end of her cigar into her ashtray and lit up another. "The bracelet stays on."

"No!" Walter was borderline frantic. "If you keep it on him, bad things are going to happen!"

Integra glared at him sharply. "Is that a threat, Walter?"

"Not from me! From _him_!"

Integra's eyes narrowed dangerously. "ALUCARD!" They both listened as Alucard clomped down the hallway, scarping walls and smashing vases along the way. "Good thing I moved all the real things out of the house years ago."

"I didn't know that!" Walter walked over and closely examined a large portrait that was hanging on the wall. "This one looks real enough."

"I hired people to paint exact replicas. They're not real, but they're sure as hell not cheap."

Walter spun around. "Where did you get the money for that?"

"Alucard had opened up a bank account in something like 1928, so I embezzle money from it from time to time." Integra shrugged. "How do you think I can afford all these cigars?"

Walter just shook his head and watched as Alucard stomped slowly into the room, looking very, _very_ unhappy.

"You called, _master_?"

"Are you making threats?" Integra frowned at him as he broke off large pieces of the door still attached to his arm and threw them carelessly in random directions.

"Why,_no_ master." He broke off a large piece and threw it at a mirror, which shattered. "Of course not, master." He threw a long, thin sliver at the portrait and hit the picture right between the eyes. "I would never even _dream_ of making threats, master." He flicked at a little piece, which flew through the air and bounced harmlessly off Walter's monocle. "Never." He pulled off another long sliver and embedded it in the back of Integra's chair, missing her head by millimetres. Integra, seemingly nonchalant as ever, slowly turned to look at the sliver. She delicately grabbed it and extricated it from her chair, then turned it over in her hand, examining it. She pursed her lips and looked over at Walter.

"I'm going to have to tase the cat, aren't I?" She opened a large drawer in her desk and pulled out an unlabelled spray bottle. "Come here Alucard." Alucard took a couple of steps forward, scowling darkly. Integra calmly stood up, then held the water bottle out and started spraying liberally.

"BAD Alucard!" Alucard howled angrily and covered his face with his hands. "You know that when you're bad, you get the holy water!" Integra sprayed on with reckless abandon. "Bad! Bad Alucard! You don't threaten! You don't break mirrors! Flicking wood is bad!" Alucard was curled up on the floor, whimpering. Integra gave him a few more sprays, just to be sure, then put the spray bottle back into her desk and sat down. "Bad Alucard. Now go to your room and think about what you've done. You better be good, too, because the Queen invited us over for tea tomorrow. I expect you to be on your best behaviour!"

Alucard climbed to his feet and gave Integra a pained expression. "I wanna got to tea! I'll be good!"

Integra smiled. "And if you're good while at tea, I'll remove your bracelet, okay?" Alucard nodded curtly. "Good. Now you can leave and go to your room."

Alucard crossed his arms and stormed out of the room. Walter looked at Integra skeptically. "You think that's going to work?"

Integra chortled at Walter's obvious stupidity. "Of course it's going to work! It worked before when he started letting his hellhounds shit all over the place, it'll work with this."

"But-" Walter watched as Integra snatched up her pen and hunched over her paperwork until her face was inches away.

"BUSY!"

Walter scoffed. "You can't seriously-"

"I'm seriously BUSY here! Look! Look how busy I am!" She begin to scribble furiously on the page. Walter just sighed in defeat and left the room. After she was sure the coast was clear, Integra sat up and pulled out her trusty DS. "All right, let's see if we can win that championship, McSquiggles Harringbarringterringtinnery!"

* * *

Well, there we are. Another chapter done. I don't know if holy water affects Alucard in the series or manga (I don't remember it ever coming up), but it does here, because...because. Yeah. Ahem. Well, feel free to review! It brightens up my day! 


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